#on account of the fact i accidentally went in there and got adopted by them

[gay-yosuke]

like idgaf abt other p4 fans opinions marie is my fuckin GIRL . shes crazy. shes got her pathos. she is writing poetry about how tormented she is. she has no idea who she is. she gives people nicknames because theyre easier to remember. i dont think she knows igors name. and most importantly. she is my friend :)

[gallifreyinstituteforlearning]

👶 The Doctor's Children – A Surprisingly Crowded Family Tree

The Doctor's family tree is quite confusing, and they've gained a few, whether through biological means, paradoxes, accidental adoption, or being forcefully handed a kid by a machine. Here is a whistlestop tour of the Doctor's children.

📜 The One Everyone Knows: Susan Foreman

The Doctor's most famous (and only consistently acknowledged) child connection is Susan Foreman, their granddaughter, who travelled with the First Doctor.

But where did Susan come from? That depends on which version of the story you believe:

In the simplest version, Susan was the Doctor's biological granddaughter, a fact reinforced by nearly everyone who knew them.

One account states Susan's father was the eldest of thirteen children the Doctor had with a woman named Patience. (Thirteen! The real mystery is how the Doctor ever found time to travel.)

Another version claims Susan was actually the last womb-born child on Gallifrey before the Pythia's Curse and was sent away by the Other (a mysterious figure some believe to be an ancient version of the Doctor).

The Curator later cited Susan's existence as proof that the Doctor had not been "a virgin," reinforcing the idea of a biological lineage.

However, some sources claim Susan was actually Lady Larn, a Gallifreyan contemporary of the Doctor whom he had rescued from civil strife. Meanwhile, the Book of the War suggests "Grandfather" was just an honorary title among Loom-born aristocratic families.

The Fifteenth Doctor recently hinted that he had "not yet" fathered or given birth to one of Susan's parents, strongly implying that time travel played a role in how Susan and the Doctor met in the first place.

And if that wasn't confusing enough, some stories claim Susan was the daughter of a Lord President, while others say her parents ran a concept shop.

🔬 The One Created by a Machine: Jenny

Some children are planned. Some are accidents. And then some are force-grown from your DNA by an alien military machine in the middle of a war zone.

That's how the Tenth Doctor got Jenny, a fully armed and combat-ready daughter created by a progenation machine.

At first, the Doctor refused to acknowledge her as family. Then she immediately died (which, in classic Doctor fashion, was the fastest way to get them emotionally invested). Fortunately, she survived, stole a spaceship, and went off on her own adventures.

👶 The One Who Might Be a Time Paradox: Miranda Dawkins

The Eighth Doctor adopted Miranda Dawkins, a girl with a mysterious past, enormous intelligence, and an uncanny ability to make all the wrong people very nervous.

Turns out, Miranda wasn't just any kid—she was the daughter of the Doctor's own future self, known as the Emperor. Which means the Doctor raised their own daughter from the future.

🌱 The One That Was a Literal Plant: The Sapling

Because why stop at humanoid children?

The Eleventh Doctor and Alice Obiefune ended up accidentally and technically parenting a sentient tree child called The Sapling.

The Sapling, part of a species known as the Planting, could absorb memories. Naturally, spending time with the Doctor meant absorbing some of the strangest experiences in the universe before setting off on its own path.

🌀 The Ones Who Might Have Existed (Or Maybe Not)

The Doctor has made many cryptic comments about having been a parent, but they're frustratingly vague.

The First Doctor confirmed he had children—'sons or daughters… or both'—which is about as helpful as saying 'I own a number of shoes.'

The Eighth Doctor outright admitted to having 'at least one' child, which is refreshingly direct (if still wildly unspecific).

The Ninth and Tenth Doctors both referenced having been a dad, usually while making a dramatic point about loss.

The Twelfth Doctor refused to answer directly, but his incredibly defensive reaction probably says it all.

The Fifteenth Doctor recently hinted that he hasn't yet had children… which raises even more questions.

🏫 So…

How many kids does the Doctor actually have?

Confirmed? At least a few.

Implied? Several more.

Accidental adoptions, paradox children, and weird plant offspring? An alarming number.

For someone who claims to prefer being alone, they sure keep accumulating children... and then forgetting to check in on them.

The real question should be: Doctor, where are your kids?

Whoniverse Facts for Friday by GIL

Any orange text is educated guesswork or theoretical. More content ... →📫Got a question? | 📚Complete list of Q+A and factoids →📢Announcements |🩻Biology |🗨️Language |🕰️Throwbacks |🤓Facts → Features: ⭐Guest Posts | 🍜Chomp Chomp with Myishu →🫀Gallifreyan Anatomy and Physiology Guide (pending) →⚕️Gallifreyan Emergency Medicine Guides →📝Source list (WIP) →📜Masterpost If you're finding your happy place in this part of the internet, feel free to buy a coffee to help keep our exhausted human conscious. She works full-time in medicine and is so very tired 😴

[light-darkness-dragon]

Other inserts backstory/facts Pt 6

Amber Miller

Once again, I know that there’s only one episode of this but again. I love making characters with different stories to tell. As well as loving the goofy plumber demon that we accidentally summoned. Still wondering about the plumbing in hell but Anywizzle!

Backstory

Amber was an orphan for most of her life before being adopted by a lovely couple. Who were happy to have a child to call their own. She was very awkward and nervous to have a family to call her own. Especially since they’d sometimes be off working once she was old enough to take care of herself. Her father was a chef and her mom an accountant.

When her father was home, she would help him cook and make delicious meals. It made them bond the most as her mother was always busy with her work. But she still tried to throw her two cents in that Amber not be in the kitchen but explore other hobbies. Which lead to a lot of arguing between her parents. She tried to explain that she liked making food and wanted to be like dad. Which she didn’t listen too and tried to get Amber into other hobbies which she wasn’t as enthusiastic about.

Her parents got a divorce when she turned 16 as they continued to argue and her father got full custody of Amber. Which she was thankful for and he cut back on his work to spend more time with her. She took on many cooking classes in high school and many recipes online.

She then graduated and tried to go to college but her dad got into a bad car accident, he was left paralyzed. She took off to try and help as much as she could. However, after some years. He told Amber that the house was now her’s and he’ll be paying it for it still, but this was his thanks for helping him. But he wanted her to start her life and not worry about him. He went to live in a retirement home and Amber tried to get her life together.

Amber tried to go to culinary schools but the prices were high and she decided to work a good paying job before going back to school. This job however, was good on the surface but not on the inside. Her boss was very toxic and always berated, gave strict deadlines and blackmailed many of her coworkers. Including herself and it made her lose hope in going to school due to his blackmail.

It made her miserable and when she tried to quit, he cornered her and hit her. Exclaiming how he now owned her and everyone else when they joined. He wasn’t going to take people quitting on him and even threatened to go after her ailing father. So she continued to work and was underpaid and overworked. She didn’t see how else to get out of this hellhole of a job as she thought the police would make it worse.

She even started drinking because of it, as things were just getting worse. As also, the house was getting worse and the plumbing was deteriorating. She had enough and decided to read about something she read about in her days at the orphanage. That was some books on demonology as she always enjoyed reading about their hierarchy and their powers. Something that oddly kept her sane while there.

She decided to take this risk and many people working for her boss were either looking miserable or some not showing back at work again. Also for him to dare threaten her dad who was her only beacon of love and hope. He needed to go. So she got a circle ready and did the ritual to summon one. Not knowing what to expect or if it would work.

And it did, just not what she expected…

Facts:

Amber is 28, 5’5 and is Polysexual and panromantic.

Amber knows how to make many meals and enjoys cooking and baking. She really wants to be like her dad but has trouble standing up for herself and getting on the right foot.

She was very confused about the fact that hell has plumbing and kept going back to her book as to how it all works. (Spoiler, no books prepared her for that lol)

(Demon boy has no name so I’ll just call him Dem for now.)

I’d like to think Amber and Dem grow to have a playful rivals relationship. With the two trying to do something and having a 10 minute argument about it.

Amber hopes repays Dem by making meals for him as repayment for fixing her plumbing issues. While also trying to figure out what to do about her boss.

Amber is willing to take his deal, as she wanted others to be free from his iron grip. But she also crossed the line at his threats to her dad.

Like I said, Amber’s is fairly short due to there only being one episode. But this is how I see her story and how she got roped in with Dem. Hope you guys like her! Next time… I’ll do Peyton’s cousin who’s also befriend a vampire, Jay!!

[noir-renard]

In hindsight, they probably should not have let Damian take the reins on contacting the erratically behaving Batmobile. But Robin is Batman's partner, Damian had argued, and as the current bearer of the name, establishing contact with Batman is my responsibility.

Mostly, Dick just wanted it to be a confidence building exercise. What's the harm? He'd thought. This is standard procedure, he'd assured himself.

When Bruce didn’t answer the voice call on the first ring, the assurance made way for a hint of doubt. When it went straight to voicemail, the doubt grew.

"Try again," Dick suggested.

"I know," Damian snapped.

The second time they called, it was rejected.

"Third time's a charm, that's what I always say," said Tim, already hacking into any satellites close to Bruce’s last know location.

"You would say that," said Jason, who was hanging around pretending he didn't care what happened to Bruce and doing a bad job of it.

Bruce’s hands were probably just busy. And he couldn’t use voice commands. Or some other explanation that they'd all laugh at, someday.

"Call him one more time, Damian."

Fortunately, the call was answered this time.

Unfortunately, it wasn't Bruce.

The face looking back at them from the dash cam face chat was not, in fact, Bruce. Or anyone Dick recognized. It did have some similar qualities that usually ended with Dick saying "You have a problem, Bruce," or "did you really need to adopt another kid?"

"Sorry for hanging up on you guys, this car has like a thousand buttons and none of them are labeled. It's alarmingly easy to accidentally turbo boost the car instead of answer the call—"

"Identify yourself," Damian said pointedly.

"Uh, hi, I'm Danny," said the adoption bait driving the Batmobile, sass levels matching ghost peppers on the scoville scale. "Batman's fine by the way, if you even care—"

Something exploded in the background as the speaker—Danny, apparently—swore and swerved around a corner.

"—or he is for now, but we're in a bit of a pickle."

"Where is Batman?" asked Damian.

"Backseat" —Danny jabbed his thumb behind him to underscore the point— "He's not unconscious but he can't drive—"

"What did you do to him?" Asked Jason.

"Me? I saved his ass is what I did. There I was, kidnapped by a billionaire—typical tuesday stuff, you know how it is—so I was trying to make the most of things and destroy a bunch of projects when BATMAN drops from the ceiling, boots covered in ectoplasm" —Danny paused, cursing as he banked the steering wheel left and avoiding another explosion— "and he wouldnt leave me behind! I had it handled, but we were still hashing out the deets, so to speak, when Vlad comes in, mad about, and I quote, 'corporate espionage', which is hypocritical of him, really—"

Dick didn't catch the next thing Danny said, on account of something green flying through the window and attacking him. Danny didn’t seem surprised by this, just annoyed. He grabbed the green thing (still unidentifiable) by the scruff and through it out the window literally. Without breaking the glass.

"Did you say Vlad?" asked Tim. "As in Vlad Masters?"

"So you have the misfortune of knowing him, too," said Danny, like he wasn't talking about one of the regular topper of the Forbes 200 list.

"Long story short," Danny continued, "I blew up the evil lab and got out of dodge with an injured Batman, you're all very welcome. Now, is there any way you could send, like, a jet? Maybe a helicopter? You guys have one of those, right?"

Dick was rarely speechless, and this was no exception. But he was, perhaps, reaching a state of speechless-adjacent.

How can someone say so much and reveal so little?

"Why do you need air transportation, Danny?" Dick cut in.

"Well, we're kind of in the middle of nowhere, and I figured you probably do all your medical stuff in house anyway, and he might need a blood transfusion—"

"Blood transfusion?" Damian hissed. "He's bleeding?"

"Uh, yeah?"

"You said he was fine!" Tim pointed out. Enthusiastically.

"He's fine-ish? He used something from his belt to stop the gushing, but I doubt it's a long-term solution based on what I know about medical stuff, though admittedly I learned most of it from Grey's Anatomy—"

"Danny, focus," tried Dick.

"Why is he bleeding?" Asked Jason.

Danny shrugged. "Didn't dodge the invisible vampire fast enough, I guess. I was dealing with the bomb at the time."

"Invisible—" Dick took a deep breath. "So it's a puncture wound?"

"More of a piercing slashing kind of deal? What's that?" He turned around and leaned into the backseat, apparently talking to Bruce. "He says it missed the femoral and renal arteries, but may have nicked his spleen? He estimates he has a couple hours until he—oh, I don't think I should tell them that over the phone, Batman—"

"What is it with this family and spleens," Tim mumbled.

Dick wished for a pillow to scream into, but there wasn't time for that kind of personal breakdown mid-crisis. He'd do it later. He already had the pillow selected in his mind (it was a Superman Squishmallow. Perfect for screaming into.)

"We are sending the Batjet to your location immediately—"

"Maybe send it close-ish?" Danny interrupted. "There's a bunch of mountains and trees and ghost-animal-homunculus—homunculi? You get it—"

"I really don't," Dick muttered to himself.

"Anyway, gotta go, this car is kind of a two-hands driving kind of deal, and my sister says distracted driving is a killer. But don't worry! I've never hit anything or been hit by anything the three months I’ve been driving legally, and I only failed it the first three times. How do I hang up…this button? Nope. This one—oh, found the turbo jets, maybe this one—"

The last thing Dick saw was Bruce's gloved hand reaching forward to press the end call button.

"Alfred—"

"The batjet is already ready for takeoff, Master Dick," said Alfred. "I do suggest you hurry, however, as Master Damian has already buckled himself into the pilot's seat."

Dick sighed. One way or another, he had a feeling this was going to end with, if not another brother, then another something. A good story, at least.

Danny’s Wild Ride

Another week, another prompt.

Batman was out investigating a new weapon energy source while the rest of the Batfam was fighting those smuggling said weapons into Gotham. He took the Batmobile, which hadn’t been moving for the last few hours, and is now racing around the surrounding mountains, like a bat out of hell.

So they call the Batmobile. And instead of Batman, they see an bat-doption bait driving the Batmobile. With explosions going off in the background. And Batman with a bleeding head slumped in the passenger seat.

[95jezzica]

any headcanons about ladonia ?

Yes. A LOT. ÒwÓ . Let's go!

. First & Middle names: Karl Mattias Axel. . Family Name: Steilsson, Svensson or Nordir. (Depends on the nationverse/AU). . Full Name Example: Karl Mattias Axel Nordir. . Birthday: 2/6. (1996). - [ American order: 6/2, 1996. ] . Human Age: 10y old. . Height: 148 cm. (Almost 4'9 in American, I think).

. Ladonia was the first nation/micronation to "pop up" really young, literally looking like a newborn baby.

. For the first year or so Ladonia grew up at around the same speed as a human baby, making many nations unsure if Ladonia truly was a micronation or not. Sweden could sense he was a micronation since he's the "host" of Ladonia's micronation, but the rest only really had Sweden's words to go on.

. However, no one could deny Ladonia looked a LOT like Sweden, the only real difference being the red hair - so when Sweden went on to claim Ladonia as his son no one disagreed/disputed it either.

. Sweden was TERRIFED Ladonia as a person wouldn't make it. Ladonia was just so SMALL, and no one had heard/seen a representation of a nation/micronation "pop up" that young before. Normally they showed up looking like toddlers or roughly 5-8 years old. It was a new and scary time for Sweden and his family, but Ladonia was a stubborn lil' fighter and made it through the years to slowly but surely grow up a bit to a "safer age".

. Still, this contributed to how protective Sweden became of Ladonia (and Sealand, once adopted), and is also why both of his kids get a bit spoiled by Sweden.

. Once Ladonia was 3y old his aging slowed down a bit, proving once and for all he was a micronation to anyone who might have had doubts.

. Once Ladonia looked like a 10y old he completely stopped aging and growing (to his annoyance). His real age was then 19y old. (Year 2015).

. Ladonia mainly lives with Sweden in a house near his micronation, and depending on the week Sealand, Finland and/or the rest of the Nordics join them there as well. The house in question is hidden with the help of Norway's magic, to ensure Ladonia's safety.

. He sees Sweden as his papa, Finland as his Isä (Finnish for dad/papa), Sealand as his older brother, and then Norway, Denmark, Iceland and Estonia as his uncles.

. Ladonia isn't very close to England, and thus only view him as "Sealand's weird dad".

. Ladonia's best friends are Kugelmugel and Wy. - (and Sealand, but hush. He can't have people know he LIKES his brother, now can he?). xD

. Ladonia is really annoyed by the fact he's two (2!) centimeters shorter than Sealand (who stands at 150 cm), and because of this he hasn't realized 148 cm is decently tall for a 10y old. (He got Sweden's tall genes). xD

. In human AUs where Ladonia gets to grow up to an adult, he ends up at 215 cm tall. (" Take that, Sealand! ").

.

. Ladonia LOVES Pokémon with a burning passion! 🔥 (Which is canon, but! Worth mentioning anyway.) . His favorite Pokémon is Stunfisk. (Also canon).

. Ladonia admires Japan "a bit", as the home to Pokémon. In turn Japan is a bit confused but honoured of the attention, and makes sure to send the new games to Ladonia whenever they're released.

. Over the years Ladonia and Japan got a bit of a "student-teacher" friendship going, mainly - but not only - about Pokémon.

. Denmark is the uncle Ladonia meets the most, mainly because of how near he lives, but Norway is likely the uncle Ladonia is closest to.

. Ladonia also sees Estonia as a uncle-figure, and he's obviously also the one Ladonia turns to when he wants to talk computer stuff.

- - - - -

. Ladonia's main computer is his own trustworthy laptop, but he can technically enter/exit any computer at will, as long as it's connected to the internet.

. He also has a "room" (account) in all of the Nordics' + Estonia's computers, which essentially works as points of fast-travel/teleporting for him since he's just as bad at "nation-jumping" as Sweden is.

. The first time Ladonia accidentally got stuck inside his Laptop he lowkey gave Sweden a heart attack. 😂 👍🏽 xD

. In order to force Ladonia out of a laptop/computer you have to right-click him and hit "print". He will then pop out from the computer, and the printer will give you an empty paper.

. The only computer you can force Ladonia INSIDE is his own (main) laptop. You do so by turning off/closing the laptop.

. Ladonia is banned from the White House in USA after a prank where he jumped out of the computer to scare America. Only, he accidentally popped out from the wrong computer and scared the living daylights out of a poor human just trying to do their work. 😂 xD

. America thought the prank was hilarious. His boss did Not. 😂 Thus, Ladonia got banned from the White House. 😂👍🏽 xD

.

This is getting long, so I will stop here for now, but hope you enjoyed these! xD

[builtlikeastickofcelery]

I BROKE. TIME TO INFODUMP

FIRSTLY: this is mostly based off of 2012 with some rise influence.

In this au splinter is absent for most of their early lives due to him believing his kids would be safer without the foot targeting him (i promise there’s a plot to this but for now its gonna be silly). And since theres gonna be a plot thats about it ! Oh also they met april at 11 yrs old I think and Casey just a little bit before the story starts

ANWAY HAVE SOME BULLET POINTS

Casey tries to do their own facial piercings

The piercings almost always get infected

They have to go to donnie for help

April wears her iconic hat to hide her dark roots (shes not a real ginger!!)

Leo is technically the second-oldest they just have a complex

the turtles steal most of their food

April goes to a bouldering gym and can scale buildings

Casey plays roller derby

donnie is the oldest despite the fact that they’re all 15

None of them could cook until the age of 12

They all play dnd passionately

donnie is the oldest because he said he scientifically proved (lied) it and everyone else called dibs on who would be next oldest (raph and Leo agreed to tie)

now take some character blurb thingies that go by age

April: april is 16 and has a driver’s license (could technically be a junior in hs but she’s not), shes very cool and accidentally went ginger at some point then just decided she liked it?? No one knows. They go to a lot LOT of concerts and also rock climbs and she loves women. Also a drummer in a band called smth that i will figure out later. Definitely takes a lot of responsibility for the wellbeing of the turtles due to their situation but like subtly. they for sure got their own issues but chooses to ignore em a lot of the time. Only child (lameee)

Donnie: hes 15 and pretends hes biologically the oldest (he is not they’re all the same age). he made all the blueprints for the lair once it was decided it was too small. hes very good at stealing stuff which is how he gets most of his materials, learned how to hack into ATMS a while ago but thinks it’s morally wrong (only used in desperate measures). Doesn’t mind not being the leader since he knows his claims of being the oldest are total bs but definitely adopted an oldest child mentality. Keeps a lot of problems a secret from his “younger” brothers and mostly talks to april about it. Extremely silly. Main doctor but also very squeamish specifically about bones (not broken bones, just the concept). Purple everything. He has access to every one of his sibling’s internet accounts he just doesn’t tell them about it. Also the main cook, since he would try and read whatever books they could find in dumpsters, especially when they were kids. Shares leo’s space interests less because of a show and more because of science stuff. Didn’t like Casey at first but they got close super fast later on. He is the best thief out of all of them (shhhh).

Casey: also 15, in april’s grade. Knows april from Spanish tutoring despite the fact they’re latine (haha if im violently whiteified my little guys have to be too) very into punk subculture and roller derby and also engineering/mechanics (I’m very excited to show off his vigilante equipment). Constantly does dumb shit for no apparent reason. Very much similar to 2012 casey (says “thats so metal dudes” anytime anything horrifying/dangerous happens). They also have had weird unspoken tension with everyone completely by accident and cant stop falling off of buildings. They have zero fighting skills or training but somehow haven’t died yet. Missing one tooth, top of the mouth next to his right canine (replaced with a glow-in-the-dark plastic one don’t ask them how it stays in).

Leo: 15, self-proclaimed second oldest and leader. (they have a complex probably) they’re only the leader because [HAHAHAHA PLOT AND BACKSTORY] and everyone else just stuck with it. They try very very hard to be silly and goofy but are also constantly anxious, not specifically about their siblings but like in general. Very very hesitant, prefers stealth (and stupid jokes) to direct confrontation. very close with raph since they’re “twins” (all of them are the same age). Intense sci-fi/space obsession, they’ve watched every single episode of their world’s equivalent to Star Trek (and all the movies) and also had a huge nonfiction phase which is still ongoing, fueled by stolen textbooks and endless internet videos . They also write fanfiction (secretly and make fun of other people who do to throw off their siblings it doesn’t work at all). They are so so lame and i love them so much.

Raph: 15, also second oldest, very very overprotective but like low-key about it. Super close with april and leo. Does all the confrontation and has accidentally been confused to be the leader of the team (CONSTANTLY ends up in hostage situations to the point it’s almost funny). ALLERGIC to Feelings he will Die if he has to talk about things so he mostly vents by tearing up his room and then feeling bad abt it. Made donnie help him find leo’s fanfics and then swore him to secrecy forever. Very distrustful, secretly super artsy, weirdly obsessed with messing with ppls hair (probably because he is surrounded by bald ppl). Also secretly a fashion icon, he has a disguise specifically so he can go to the mall with april and look at clothes for fun. He is physically the strongest out of everyone and has a really bad habit of using himself as their meat shield. Accidentally very very silly dude.

Mikey: 15 the Absolute Youngest by request. He is objectively the best fighter but is constantly being sidetracked by his siblings taking hits/taking out enemies for him (look theyre all just Like That). Really really smart when in a crisis, but for some reason not in a low pressure situation. She tries to cook but ultimately prefers baking. He’s also good at building things, so he usually hangs out with donnie in his workshop and made a lot of the lair’s furniture though he somehow can’t build anything from ikea. Also knows about leo’s fanfic career and accepted a bribe of a hubcap chandelier (?) to not tell anyone. Leo never made him a chandelier but at this point she has completely forgotten about it. Is secretly a beta reader for the fics and pretends she doesn’t know leo, except for when he describes very very distinct details of their home as suggestions for a room or something. Will continue to do this until leo either has a nervous breakdown or realizes it’s him. 

PLEASE ASK ME MORE ABOUT HTESE GUYS IM BEGGING YOU AUGHGHGGH

[erosia-rhodes]

Top 9 Newbie thoughts on Supernatural after Six Months of Madness

I started watching Supernatural a week before the series finale, and full disclosure, it was only because I heard about the gay angel. I loved me some Good Omens, so I decided to check out a series my only previous thoughts about had been, "Is that show still on?" In the past six months, I've watched about fifty percent of the episodes scattered across all fifteen seasons. I've also spent time following the bonkers-in-the-best-way fandom on Tumblr, and here is what I have learned:

1) Everyone who loves Supernatural also hates Supernatural

No one is capable of praising this show without also trashing it. Supernatural is as awful as it is awesome. Watching Supernatural is like hate-fucking your nemesis against a wall; you're totally conflicted about it, but it's enormously pleasurable and you know you're going to do it over and over again. No one has a pure, untainted love for this show. They only have complicated emotions. This is because…

2) The fact that the show needs to be fixed is an essential part of its appeal

Strangely, if this show were better, it wouldn't be as popular. If you love a show that is perfect, you watch it once or twice or thrice, make a bunch of memes, and move on with your life two years later when you find something else to hyper-fixate on. If you love a show that's broken, you spend the rest of your life obsessed with fixing it. It's the crooked photo hanging on the wall that yearns to be straightened (because, you know, this show is bad at making things straight). It's the stray dog you know would be adoptable if you fattened it up and socialized it with your other dogs, and just like some people can't stop rescuing animals, Supernatural fans can't stop thinking about how to fix a show that isn't great, but could be with a flea bath and a trip to the groomers. Supernatural fans are not fans of the actual show, but of the show they imagine it could be, one that only exists in an alternate universe. They are in love with the Platonic ideal of Supernatural. That's also the reason why…

3) The fans understand the characters and themes better than 95% of the people who worked on the show

The people who watch Supernatural have thought about it way, way, way, more than anyone who produced it. I have read complex essays about what the color of people's clothing imply and how the state of the Impala reflects the state of Dean's mental health and other things I'm certain this show did not do intentionally. People can find depth in the shallowest aspects of this series. Any random fan could explain the complicated dynamics of the Winchester family and the overriding themes of the series better than most of the people who worked on it. That includes the LGBTQ stuff, which leads to the fact that…

4) The show is simultaneously too gay and not gay enough

On one end of the spectrum are fans who are offended you would dare to suggest one of the Winchesters might like kissing a boy and they'll shove you in a locker and duct tape your butt cheeks together for it. On the other end of the spectrum are fans who think it's odd that every episode doesn't end with two attractive men dry humping in a dark corner of the bunker library. No one is happy with the level of gayness on this show. It's always got too much "No Homo" or too much queer subtext, which is why I've concluded that…

5) The audience this show wanted is not the audience they got and they are resentful of it

The original pitch for this show targeted a male demographic who’s into toxic masculinity in a non-ironic way. It was about bros and beers and muscle cars and shotguns and hot chicks who will be killed to further the man's storyline. However, when making that show, they accidentally created a show that attracted female viewers who liked speculating about the queer subtext of each scene while looking at pretty men with traumatic backstories fight back their man tears. The show depends on the unintended audience segment to survive, but is bitter about it, which they remind you of time and time again by killing the female and non-white characters and toying with endless queer-baiting. It's like the writers got a plane to Rome, ended up in a gay nightclub in Amsterdam instead, and even though the canals and tulips make it a lovely city to visit, they wanted to go to Rome, damnit, and they'll never let you forget it! I also suspect that…

6) The people who made this show were at constant war with each other

This show has such a split personality. Sometimes it leans into the gay stuff and other times it makes fun of it outright. Sometimes they'll introduce an interesting side character that could make the show more diverse and then they'll slaughter that person for practically no reason. Sometimes they praise free will and other times they force people down pre-destined paths. The writers feel like a dysfunctional family stuck at Thanksgiving dinner endlessly squabbling with each other—who then had to write a TV show together over dessert. That's why it's such a weird hot mess. The show's unevenness makes me think that…

7) Some people's attachment to the show can only be explained by the fact that it imprinted on them when they were young

Some fans have mentioned they started watching Supernatural when they were kids. It's a pretty common experience to go back and watch things you loved when you were a kid and realize they were…not so good. Your memories of them are far better than the reality of them, but you cling to them anyway. The shows you watch when you're young imprint on you in a way you never forget. Supernatural fans are like a baby duck who looks up at a cat and assumes it’s their mother. Then that cat slices open their poor little hearts, leaving them wounded but not dead, forever be toyed with in agony. The only relief is that…

8) The fandom is batshit insane in the best way

I started following the Supernatural fandom on Tumblr in November of 2020 and OMG, it was AH-MAZE-ING. It was total insanity. I didn't understand half of what was going on, but it was more fun than a yard full of puppies doing zoomies. People were posting detailed PowerPoint presentations theorizing how the series would end, citing extensive physical evidence like the background in Misha's hotel room. People learned election results through Supernatural memes. Destiel went canon every other week. When the Spanish dub was released, Tumblr literally crashed! Obama's Twitter was following a Destiel account. There was a Twitter wedding for Destiel on Valentine's Day, which made the one-month anniversary on Pi Day.

It's been a ride, y'all. I have no idea how you guys survived fifteen years of this. The fandom has been so much fun that I actually sat down and watched more than 100 hours of this show so I could understand everything better. It's like the show is an extension of the fandom instead of vice versa. If anything sums up Supernatural for me, that's it. It's all about the fandom and the show is secondary to that. It's like the fans willed the show into existence as part of some partially botched spell. And part of that twisted spell is that…

9) The show will never die until someone finds its bones and burns them

This show has been off the air for more than six months now and it keeps trending on Tumblr consistently. Misha recently trended on Twitter simply because he was at the Oscars. That was it! He didn't even do anything there, he just attended, and some people figured it out by the reflection in a photo posted by someone else! And just as I was proofreading this post, Destiel started trending again because John Cena is a stan or something? This fandom is crazy and unpredictable and I love it like Dean loves pie! If there ever does come a time when this show stops trending, that will be the moment when they decide to reboot it or revisit it.

There is a lot more I could say about this show, but these were the elements that seemed most unique and bizarre about it. I wouldn't say Supernatural is a ride-or-die fandom for me, and I have no intention of watching another 100 hours of this series, but it's been hella' fun to drop in for a while. The show is just as much a dysfunctional mess as the Winchester family and I guess that's why people love it, right?

[ziee]

Blinky x Reader (18+)

Arcadia. Back once more after the 15 years you've been gone. You were a friend of the Domzalski's, and the un-paid babysitter of their baby son. The day they won the lottery, you cheered in excitement for them. And the day they fell into the sea, you cried for them.

The heartbreak of your 2 best friends struck you so severely, you couldn't stand being in Arcadia any longer. The memories, the high school all 3 of you went to, the restaurant you went to after every celebration. You just couldn't bear it. The last memories of the small town were bidding little Toby and Nana goodbye.

But now, you're back.

Nana had contacted you, saying she needed help with Tobies. Half-blind and all, old and raising a teenager, you could see why. You didn't want to be out of your best friend's childs' life completely at the loss of his parents, so once in a while, you phoned your adoptive nephew. Just checking up on him, seeing how he was.

You had accepted, of course. Slightly jumping at the opportunity and a reason to come back to Arcadia, you called in sick for an indefinite amount of days and packed a suitcase. Filling up your car, you hopped into the driver's seat and started the long drive.

You were kind of thankful that you didn't have to buy a plane ticket, hating planes and airports, but the long, lonely roads brought into account new emotions. This is the first time you're going back to your hometown in 15 years.. You're going to see the high school. And the restaurant. And.. Their house.

The house you saw them buy, build and love. You remember watching them set up a room for the new baby. Deciding the colors, layout, and designs of the wall. You remember getting sloshed in the living room, accidentally breaking one of the photos upon the fireplace. Your kind of glad you did, seeing as you took the photo and hung it in your house.

The photo of the 3 of you.

The days were long in your small car, the best you could afford. Stopping at family dinners and shitty motels to rest. The cycle stopped on day 6, finally reaching the sign with bold letters spelling out, 'Arcadia'.

You picked up your phone and dialed Nana. She picked up after the 3rd time. "Hello dear! Y/n, are you coming soon?" She spoke happily, a bag crunching in the background.

"Hi, Nana. I just got into Arcadia, I'll be there in less than 10 minutes!" You smiled as you heard the old lady scolded one of her many cats.

"Alright dear. See you soon." She ended the call before you could bid farewell. You chuckled and rolled your eyes, setting your phone down into your cup container. You took in a deep breath as you entered the small town.

Driving past the buildings that seem so familiar but have changed so much, you felt an array of emotions. Happy your here. Confused as to why they would change things. Sorrow as you remembered multiple memories in the areas you passed.

Driving into the neighborhood, your car stilled at the infamous yellow house. Their house. You stared at it through your window, looking into their own as light shone from within. You sighed and started your car again.

Eventually, you pulled into Nana's driveway. Strolling up to the doorsteps, you knocked 3 times before waiting. A shuffle, a huff, and then the door opens. You smiled as your eyes suddenly felt teary. "Y/n! Oh dear, come inside, come inside." She urges you inside, holding a foot out to prevent a black cat from escaping.

You enter the warm house, the smell of bread and... Burritos filling the room? You shrug it off as you're ushered to the couch. Sitting down, you let out a heave of relief. You're not sure why. "So, how have you been?" You ask as Nana moves towards the kitchen, presumably to make you some tea.

"Oh, I've been fine. Toby and the cats keep me busy." She laughs as she grabs 4 cups. 4 cups? You could understand that the other 1 would be for Toby, so who was the other one for?

"That's great Nana." You smile, sinking into the soft cushion. Your car was not the worst, but my god the seats were terrible. It felt like nails were digging into your back and ass. Not that good for almost a week's road trip.

"So how are you dear?" She spoke as she took the kettle off the burner as it began to scream.

"Oh I've been better, I mean- WAIT- NANA, LET ME HELP YOU!" You shout, running towards the old lady, taking the opened kettle out of her hands. Unbeknownst to her, she had almost poured boiling water onto her cat.

"Ohoho, your so helpful already." She mumbles, skittering off into the living room. You look down at the tea bags sat in one of the empty cups. Orange Pekoe..  She still knows what kind you like after all these years. Your heart swells as you pour hot water into the cups, your lips rising like a goofball.

Stirring the drinks, 2 of the cups had hot chocolate and the other 2 had tea. You could guess which is which, so you handed Nana a cup while placing your own on the table before grabbing the other 2 mugs.

"I'm gonna bring this to Toby and..?"

"Oh! Toby has a friend over. His international friend, his names Arthur-San." You nodded and headed upstairs. From the top, you could hear loud cheers from inside the room you thought to be Tobies'. You knocked and waited, but you don't think they heard you from the loud volume of a video game.

You sighed and opened the door. Inside, 2 backs were turned to you. One, obviously being Toby and the other.. It was a white sheet. A large, very large in fact, figure was sat beside Toby, wearing a bedsheet. Uh-

"Hey Toby, and Arthur, Nan-" You stopped mid-sentence as the heads turned to you. A large, circle-ish face appeared from the draped sheet. A green, mossy beard decorated its chin, a mouth with 4 long teeth sticking out, and are those- HORNS??

"T-Toby.. Who is that?" You cautiously, and very slowly, set the drinks down onto a nearby dresser.

"Aunt Y/n?! What are you doing here?" Toby gets up and comes near you. You quickly grab onto him, wrapping your arms around him as you run out the door. "Wait- Auntie Y/n, he's a friend!" You turn around and quickly shut the door as you place Toby back down.

"Toby, go get Nana and run!" You scream. He just stands there, sighing. A knock from the inside of the room startles you. "Wingman?" A gruff voice speaks. You shriek as the knob is pulled from your grip, the door opening as the large head sticks out, right in front of you. Its black nose presses against your shoulder, pulling in a long sniff.

"Oh go-" And your fainting. A stone hand stops you mid-fall, preventing you from hitting a hard bottom as your eyes closed.

"I'll call Jim."

-

You awoke on a soft plush. Feeling around, you realize you're on a bed. "Master Jim, Lady Y/n is awaking." A deep voice calls out, sensing that you knew he was close to you from how loud he was. You sit up, rubbing your eyes as you adjust to the light of the room. Looking around, it was just a regular room. Including a monster with 6 eyes.

"AHHHH!" You scream, scrambling off the bed. The moment you do so, 2 teenagers including Toby run into the room. You move near Toby, your eyes locked on the monsters.

"Woah! Calm down Miss Y/n, if we can just explain everything-" You cut the boy with twig legs off.

"Oh, you kids better explain as to why there is a- .. A-"

"I believe the word is 'Troll." The blue monster says.

"Yes! That! Why there is a troll with 6 eyes and 4 arms staring at me right now!" You pointed to Toby, "And you! Explain what happened earlier, with that big guy. Right now." You huffed.

"Is she talking about Aaarrrgghh?" The girl with a blue streak in her hair spoke.

"Aaarrgghh? Wait a minute.. Arthur?!" Your brows furrowed. "Toby, have you been lying to Nana about this 'International student'?" You made finger quotes as you looked upon your nephew's embarrassed face.

"Uhhh, maybe?" He shrugs. You sigh, disappointed in your nephew.

"If you'll allow me to explain, Lady Y/n,"

Oh- no man, or at least you think it's male, has ever called you lady..

"Aaarrrggh and I are trolls. Master Jim as you see over there," He points to chicken legs, "Is the troll hunter. Underneath your world, there is a magnificent other world, filled with trolls and things you couldn't possibly believe." He waves his hands up in the air.

You nod, taking it all in.

"Ugh, this hurts my head." Another world? Trolls? Troll hunter?? Jim moves beside the blue troll whose name you don't know and speaks to him softly.

"Hi, I'm Claire." There's a hand that's shoved in front of you, in which you awkwardly shake.

"Hey, I'm Toby's aunt. Not biological but I knew his parents well." She nodded before removing her hand from yours. You leaned down, whispering into Toby's ear.

"Who's 6 eyes?"

A voice answered you before Toby's mouth even opened. "My name is Blinky. A pleasure to meet you, lady Y/n." The troll paddles over to you, his stone feet making satisfying clicking sounds as he walks. He holds one of his upper hands out for you to shake.

He didn't seem like such a threat, in fact, he seemed like a gentleman. You smiled and shook his hand. His skin was stone, as you could feel the cracks engraved into it as your hand flooded with a strange warmth.

"Nice to meet you too, Blinky." You release his hand after a few seconds of shaking.

"Master Jim and I were discussing a matter regarding you. If you would like, we could show you Troll Market."

"Troll Market?" You question.

"The home of trolls such as myself, and Aaarrrgghh over here." He points behind him, your eyes wander over to the window as you see that large head. The large troll waves a hand and smiles, seeing as everybody's eyes are now on him.

"Has he been out there the whole time?" You ponder. Why isn't he just in the room?

"Rooms too small." You look around, finding it is indeed smaller than your nephew's room. Oh well. You think about the opportunity to travel to this unknown world. Eh, why not. You would be keeping an eye on Toby as well, so that's always good.

"Um, well, if your offering then, of course, I'd come. Thank you for inviting me." You smile at the blue troll. He smiles back, his 6 eyes staring into your 2. His eyes just seemed so soft.. And mesmerizing, having never seen anyone like this before. Your eyes ghost his face, inspecting upon closer details on the stoned troll.

...

"Ahem." Jim coughs. You both suddenly break eye contact as Blinky coughs, making his way towards the exit.

"Aha! Yes, we should be going. Daylight is rising." He muttered as the teens follow him out. You follow, exiting the house as the breeze of the night flushes your already pink cheeks. Your lead to the bridge you had driven over while entering the town, but now under it.

Aaarrrgghh is tossed a glowing stone by Blinky, creating a semi-circle on the stone of the bridge. He punches the wall, creating a crack before it starts to fall apart. Yellow swirls around the stone before creating something like a portal?

The trolls head in, followed by Jim and Claire. "Cmon auntie, it won't hurt you." You begrudgingly sigh and follow him inside the glowing portal. Stepping inside, you wince as you close your eyes.

Not even a second later, you could feel your area darken. Opening your eyes, you see everyone else staring at you. Your cheeks flush in embarrassment. Goddammit. The kids laugh as Blinky looks at with you an indescribable expression.

Is he disappointed? Shocked? Unbeknownst to you, the corners of the blue troll's lips rose. "This way, lady Y/n." His 4 hands motioned you to the crystal stairs, swirling downwards in a circle. Oh my god- Wow.

Everyone makes their way down the steps, in comfortable silence. Coming further down, you stop as you take in the view. The magnificent, one-of-a-kind, breathtaking, OH MY GOD, view. "Wow." You mumble in awe, looking up at the enormous, orange crystal in the center. Everything was so beautiful.

"Welcome to HeartStone Troll Market!" Blinky exclaimed from behind you. The other smiled as they watched your reaction. Stepping down the steps, you ended up beside the 6 eyed troll as you stopped.

"Where should we go first?" Toby asked as you gazed upon the well-spoken mystery. Now taking a better look as the others speak, you watch as his eyes blink simultaneously. How the 2d tooth on both sides of his mouth is cracked. The deep grooves into his stone skin. You paid minor attention to what he was wearing before, but now looking closer you see the 2 satchels sporting each hip on his brown overalls.

Your gazing ventures further down, looking at his flat feet. Heh, they look stumpy. "Great! We'll take you to the forge, where you can see my impressive hammer skills!" Toby proclaimed, steering your head up from your gaze.

6 eyes met yours. Oh god, did he see you staring at him? Did he see you staring below his waist??? He doesn't bring it up if he did, instead leading the 5 of you to the 'forge'.

"This is the forge, where many of our great warriors have trained." Blinky gestures around the grand room. You look around in awe, feeling a little overwhelmed by such a beautiful realm.

"It's amazing." You whisper, settling yourself on the sidelines of the giant arena as the kids grab weapons. Weapons?! Oh god.. Aaarrrgghh comes and sits behind you, jolting you with a loud thud as he sits. Blinky stands beside you, gazing out at the children.

"Indeed they are." Your eyes meet his 6, a glance before breaking contact. You smile, proud of your little nephew.

"Aunt Y/n! Look!" The ginger boy yelled from across the large expanse. You watch as he pulls out a small item, before smashing it to the ground. It sprouts a large, flaming orange hammer. Your mouth widens in shock as you see him swish the weapon around. "Impressive, right? It's my war hammer." He says as he trudges over to you.

"Uh yeah, just please be careful with that." He laughs before skittering off. Guess he gets that from Nana. You sigh as you watch the kids spar, rather impressed by Jim's armor and Claire's staff. After they were done fooling around, you see as Claire checks her watch.

"Guys, it's almost 6:30. We should get going." Mumbling as she puts away her shadow staff. Toby groans, retracting his hammer as Jim takes off the amulet.

"Ughh, I forgot we had school today." You slightly chuckle at the kids' words, being the exact same as a child. Jim, Claire, and Toby all run towards the exit of Trollmarket whereas you stand still. Toby looks behind him, seeing your unmoving form.

"Are you coming, auntie?" He cocks his head.

"Oh! Yeah, yeah, I just thought I would have more time checking the place out.." You trail off, glancing at what you thought to be your last look at the mysterious underground world. From behind you, Blinky and Aaarrrgghh look towards each other.

"Ahem, if I may, Aaarrrgghh and I will accompany Lady Y/n down here while you're at school. If.. That is alright with you?" His dark, red eyes turn to your form. You nod excitedly.

"Yes! Yes, I would love that." His lips form a smile, 6 eyes gleaming at you before turning back to the other 3 humans.

"Now, run along kids. Aaarrrgghh and I will keep Lady Y/n safe." 2 of his hands form a 'shoo' motion as they smile. You move towards Toby, wrapping him in a hug before bidding goodbye. Turning towards your new-found troll friends, you couldn't help but grin as your leaded into the busy streets of the market.

"This place is so beautiful. How long have you guys been living down here?" You wonder, looking around at all the shop stalls.

"A few centuries, after the battle of Killahead bridge, we had traveled until we found the heartstone you see today." Blinky gestured a hand to the bright, orange crystal towards the center wall of the market.

"Hated boat." Aaarrrgghh chimed in from behind, his large statue circling both the conundrum troll and the female human.

"Yes, we all did." Memories flashed in his 6 eyes before he shivered, obviously not liking that part of his life.

"Killahead bridge? What's that?" You question. You're stopped in front of what looked to be a bookstore. The 2 trolls enter, you following closely behind them as you take in the view. Books littered the walls everywhere. Bookshelves, books on tables, and some even on the floor.

"Ah, and that's the reason why I took you here. You seem like a lover of history, as I am. Therefore, Lady Y/n, I have taken you to my lodgings to learn about troll history!" He exclaims, clearly excited.

"This is your house?" Looking around, it does suit him.

"Indeed, now make it as if your own. I will fetch you some books you can read that will fully satisfy a craving for troll history." He runs around the room, 4 arms stacked full of large books that would most likely take you hours to read. Aaarrrgghh yawns from the corner, bored.

A few minutes later, he sets the books down with a thud on a large table. You sit in one of the chairs presented, grabbing one of the books from the top of the stack. Opening it up, you stare blankly. Turning the pages, you realize you can't read the language.

"Blinky, I can't read this." You say, head popping up from the pages, meeting his 6 eyes. He walks over to you, standing closely behind you as he looks over your shoulder. Your heartbeat quickens as you can see the strands of each of his hair. His long ears softly flap as his eyebrows furrow while reading what you can't.

"Hmm.. That is an issue." He sets a hand on his chin, pondering for a quick while before getting an idea. Sliding a chair over, he sits in front of you, grabbing the book from the table into his 2 upper hands. "Well, I'll just read it to you!" He smiles as you nod, eagerly wanting to learn about something you didn't know existed until 2 hours ago.

And so began the many hours of Blinky reading trollish to you. At some point, Aaarrrgghh decided to leave the hole, leaving you and the conundrum troll alone. You arch your strained back as he finished reading the last sentence of the 3rd book. "And those were all the creatures starting with an A!"

"Wow Blinky that was really, informational." Stretching your legs outwards, you bump onto his foot with your own. Recoiling your legs, you speak quickly, "Oh, sorry." Your cheeks flush.

"No worries Lady Y/n." He sets the book down on the table. "This may sound a bit odd," His eyes find yours, "but I've always been fascinated with the human body. If it's alright with you, lady Y/n, may I take a look at you?"

You thought for a second. Of course, you would also be curious about a different type of species other than your own. Plus, although you've only known him for a few hours, you trusted him. You nod, "Yea sure." He visibly relaxed at your answer. "But," You continue, " I want to look at you too."

He blinked, processing your words before smiling. "Of course." You were unsure of what to do now, sitting in silence as you both watched each other. It was only when he scooted closer, the sound of his chair scraping the ground broke you from your gaze.

"If I may..?" He gestured towards your resting arm. You quickly lifted it up and bent closer, showing him your fleshy arm. He told ahold gently, stone hands that were surprisingly warm against your skin. He traced up and down your arm, squishing a few times.

His breath tickled your skin, resulting in tiny goosebumps forming. "What are those small bumps?" He mumbled, eyes fixated on your arm.

"Those are goosebumps. Humans get them when we're cold." You answer, enjoying being the teacher for once.

"Fascinating." He moved down from your arm towards your fingers, squishing, prodding, rubbing. Your hands tingled in his own as he poked your fingernails. "And these?" He pointed towards them.

"Those are fingernails, they're made of keratin." He nodded, placing your hand down.

"Thank you for allowing me to look at you, lady Y/n." You smiled, waving your hand.

"No problem. Now it's my turn." He lifted his lower arm and extended it towards you. You grab hold, a bit taken aback at the size. His hand could easily fit around your whole face. You rub the warm stone, strumming your fingers along it as you play a rhythmic tune.

Unlike you, he only had 4 fingers, every one of them very large. While your head is down playing with his hand, his 6 eyes gaze upon you. Never did he allow a human he just met to poke and prod at him, so why did he allow you? The moment you had awoken in Toby's house, a scream and a stumble he had expected when you saw him, but he didn't expect you to shake his hand for so long.

He would have sufficed a quick shake and a fearful let go, leaving you in his 'ok' books. But, you just kept staring at him, even now, he feels his heart shake a little as you examine his arm. Standing near him willingly, refusing to leave with Master Jim and the others, but to stay and explore more of his world? Oh dear.

"You know," Your voice snaps him out of his daydream, "even though you're made of stone, you're actually very warm." You note as you caress his arm.

"Ah, yes, rather strange isn't it?" He brings an upper hand of his to his mouth and coughs. He could feel as you trace the engravements on his skin, your fingernails scratching him a little.

"Can I touch your belly?" He sputtered at the question.

"My stomach?" You lift your head, watching as his face contorts into a confused expression.

"I mean, uh- never mind." You release his hand and try to laugh it off. Well, that was embarrassing. You feel your cheeks rise in heat as you look at the ground.

"You may." A soft voice beckons you to look up, staring at the oh-so-kind troll, looking down at you with gentle eyes. You smile, giving a small thank you before moving your hand towards the troll's exposed stomach. Settling your hand on the stone belly, you felt him jolt slightly.

Tracing the engravings upon his skin once more, you lean closer and place your other hand onto him. Your eyes focus on his body, not daring to make eye contact. Whereas, his 6 eyes stared intently down at you. Watching, feeling your every move. He could somewhat feel your breath on his stone skin as well. Although he did find it odd you would want to touch his stomach, it did feel nice.

Your hands caress his body, leaning your face in as you stare into the cracked stone. Wonderous. As you slid your hands up, you went a bit further than you assumed as your hands went upon his chest. "Oh- sorry about that, getting a little handsy heh." You remove your hands and scratch your neck as you mentally slap yourself. Goddammit Y/n. You could feel your cheeks reddening.

He says nothing, so you look up at him. His eyes, half-lidded, staring at you with an unexplainable expression. What is..?

"May I smoosh faces with you?"

"Pardon?" You lower your hand from your neck, head shooting up from his words. Smoosh faces? Wait.. Did he mean kissing? "Do you want to kiss me?" You whisper.

"Yes! That's the word." He nodded.

"Then, yes." You nod, slowly leaning back towards him. He swallowed as you closed your eyes, coming towards him ever so slowly. He pushed his face towards yours, his large lips pressed against yours. His teeth touched your cheeks, but he was careful not to hurt you. 2 of his arms came and clutched onto your shoulders.

Unconsciously pulling you closer towards him, you lifted yourself out of your seat and onto his lap. Lower hands settle onto your waist, holding you close as you continue the kiss. He pulled away first, 6 wide eyes settled upon you.

"That was.." You try and find the word.

"Magnificent." He breathed out. His arms slowly slid up and down your waist, caressing your clothed skin. "May I.. Remove your shirt?" Struck with lust, you nodded, lifting your arms up as he removes your shirt. Discarding the shirt to the floor, he leans in and breaths in your scent.

"Blinky," You whisper in his ear, "take off my pants." You slowly grind against him in his lap, breathing heavily. He aides you in removing your clothing, until your sitting on him with only a bra on. You unclip your bra and toss it to the side, your breasts free from the barrier. Your nipples harden at the cool air, gaining the troll's attention.

He asks for your permission, "Blinky, I wouldn't get naked just so you can't touch me." He removes his upper hands from your shoulders and placed them over your breasts. He experimentally kneads, pushes, and rubs your fat lumps. You softly moan, encouraging him to continue.

"You are very squishy.." He mumbles, softly pinching your nipples. You arch your back, pushing your chest further into him as one of his lower hands moves to support your back. You grab his hand attached to your waist and pull it between your legs.

"Touch me here." You release the stone as he complies, his large fingers fiddling between your folds. He takes experimental rubs into you, finding your clit with your help as you release a loud moan. His hands continue to rub your tits, rubbing your nipples with soft strength.

"O-oh.." You grind into his hand as he rubs your button.

"I'd like to take a closer look, if I may?" He puffs in your ear. You nod, frowning as he removes his hands from your body, only to lift you up and carry you towards a back room. Entering the new room, you see a pile of pillows and blankets littering the floor. He sets you upon them before removing his overalls.

You move a hand between your legs and feel your wetness, circling your clit a few times as you beg for him in your mind. He lays his clothes on the side before returning to your side. Settling his face between your legs, he inhales your scent deeply through his large orange nose. "Human anatomy is rather fascinating up close."

He says it as if he.. You sit up, bumping against his nose before he brings his head up, a confused expression on his face. "Blinky, is this the first time you've done it?"

"Done what?"

"Had sex..?" He smiles at your worried expression. "Cause we can stop if you want to-"

"My dear, this is only the first time I've done anything with your kind. As well, I am positively overjoyed to be with you right now. Rest assured, I want to do this." You exhale and smile, flopping your head back down.

"Well, that's a relief. And I am too, Blinky, really happy to do this with you." You avoid eye contact, your cheeks too flushed to be seen. He returns his head back down, his fingers spreading your lips as he explores you.

He blows air, rubs, licks. As his mouth plays with your outer part, a stone finger gently prods your entrance. Sliding into you with ease, you gasp as you thought how a single digit was so thick. You're having sex with a troll, duh.

Soon enough, with all of his stimulation, you came around his finger. "AhhH~" Crying out, he halts his movements as you come down from your high. He leans up as your thighs twitch, bringing his soaked finger to his mouth before licking.

"Was that alright?"

You panted, holding up a thumbs up. "Amazing." He gave an innocent smile, amusing in the situation that had just occurred. You leaned up, sitting on your butt. "Blinky, so um," You gestured towards his blank pelvis.

"Ah, for me to release my, 'intimacy', I will need to be coaxed open. Protective plates will shift, revealing myself." You nodded, crawling closer towards him as he leaned back, parting his legs. You didn't know exactly what to do, so you started with rubbing the stone. Looking up towards your lover's face, he seemed to like it as his 6 eyes fell half-lidded, staring down at you.

You continued rubbing until what he had said happened, his plates parted, revealing not one, but 3 appendages. The middle, being the largest, whereas the other 2 were shorter. "Ah.. Yes, the middle one is the functioning one, carrying the sperm. The others are for added stimulation." He muttered as your hand softly caressed his cocks.

"So, how do you wanna do this? You lie down or me?" You stroke him as he ponders.

"It is your first time with a troll, so allow me to take command." A breathy voice mutters, hands removing yours from himself as he sets you on your back. "I fear the other way around would have you in pain." He was right, cowgirl position usually gets deeper.

You settle down as he scooches near you, hands ahold of his larger phallus. The smaller ones swirl and wrangle as their placed near your thigh creases. He angles the middle one to your hole, as 2 of his hands grasp your waist. Pushing his hips forwards, he slowly slides in, stretching you no man, or toy had ever done to you.

Your hands find his attached to your skin, grasping onto his hand and signal him to slow down. He does, waiting for you to adjust to his girth. It takes a long while as you wait for the pain to settle as he pushes himself in little by little. After a couple of minutes, you finally have him all inside without any pain. Discomfort? Yes, but nothing you cant handle.

As he pulls out, the first few pushes are testing. Testing your levels and discomfort. Hearing the soft sounds you make as he slowly enters you, he speeds up his thrusts. Rocky digits hold onto your skin, moving upwards towards your breasts as another set comes onto your skin. He leans over you as he rhythmically pounds into you.

His smaller tendrils wiggle and surround your opening, gently prodding your hole. You couldn't dare to fit another one inside, could you? He stares at your form, looking for any signs of pain. "Are you alright so far?" He rolls his hips against you.

"Yes! It feels so good.." You lift your arms and place your hands onto his cheeks. He gives you a toothy smile before returning to the task at hand. Your arms fell to clutch his own around you as he gives a sharp thrust. You moan as he bites his lips.

A deep growl resonated within the bookworm's chest as one of his smaller tendrils slowly pushes its way inside of you. You whine as it snakes its way through your hole, wiggling against your walls. You feel so full. You could feel yourself coming undone, a ball in your stomach forming as he slithers inside of you.

The outer phallus slides up your vulva, towards the top of your lips, finding your little pink button. You squeal as you are overwhelmed with pleasure. He grunts over you, clenching his teeth as he continues to thrust. Wet sounds surrounded the room, the slapping of him against you is the only sound in the room.

You clench down around him, both of his cocks still moving as you release onto them. Soaked in your juices, they glisten in the light as they're pulled from you in mere milliseconds before pounding back inside you. You cry out from the overstimulation, your face contorting into many expressions as your opening's abused by large cocks.

As he nears his end, his chest rumbles as he begins to make curious sounds. Deep throaty rasps, before a loud yelp lets out from his tusked mouth. Hot seed envelopes your insides, soaking your walls. He continues to thrust, riding out his orgasm before he settles down. Pulling out from you, he leans to the side and flops down.

You pant and turn towards him, grabbing onto his hand as he heaves. You both lay in silence, catching your breath from such an exhilarating activity.

[bi-snape]

This is something I wrote on my old account @xxdxaxx I won't add a link to the original post cause I'm basically just reposting it after editing it a little bit. It's this wild thought I had in mind a long time ago.

Basically Andromeda adopts Severus in his first year. She sees this little nervous boy unsure about his place in the world and who just wants to go back to his best friend, who is a muggleborn. She automatically decides to keep him cause she can see that he isn't like the other Slytherins, and sure enough Severus gets attached to her and sees her like a mom because of how nice and caring she is.

Imagine Severus running to Andromeda anytime the mauraders bully him and cling to her for dear life. She'll whisper sweet nothings in his ear in order to calm him down and wipe away his tears. Once she graduates you best believe that Severus clung to her with tears streaming down his face as he begged her not to go, not to leave him alone in Hogwarts. Andromeda promising him that she'll write to him everyday no matter what and seeing him perk up.

Severus going to her after his fall out with Lily and begging Andromeda to forgive him for saying such an awful word, especially since she herself married a muggleborn. Andromeda quickly knowing how guilty he feels and pulls him into a hug, she knows what its like being in a house and having to act a certain way so as not to get hurt by the others. She knows how it feels to get bullied for being a blood traitor and knows what its like to be misjudged because of what house you're in. So that day is spent with Sev and Andromeda cuddling on the couch and Ted, casually draping a soft blanket over them both while smiling as he remembers doing this back in Hogwarts.

Tho before she graduated Andromeda had made plans to murder Malfoy after Severus mentions the slightest attraction towards him. Then constantly asking questions when he says he might like Rosier, she knows him well and to be honest its rather shocking to hear Sev say that but in retrospect she can sorta see why. Rosier was brave, smart, well mannered, and oddly protective when it came to those he cared about so really despite his craziness he may have been a good match.

Now what shocked her most was the way Sev ranted about Gilderoy Lockhart, despite his rants being full of hatred towards the man she knew he held some attraction towards him. Honestly it ain't hard to miss when Sev says and I quote "I hate his goddamn gorgeous hair!! Filthy bastard!" and she takes great pleasure in teasing him about it too. Hell she even has it recorded and threatens him with it. Ted would tease him to but at least he knew when to stop, because he knows Sev is good with magic and can end him (plus his wife has threatened him about teasing her child and by god will he disobey her)

Severus hates the teasing and would go and hang out with Ted seeing as he wouldn't do it as much as she would. It warmed Andromeda's heart seeing her two favorite boys spend time together and nothing made her happier. When it came to Severus's graduation Andromeda and Ted had attend and they both cried seeing as Sev was basically their kid no matter what. That day was a day Sev wouldn't forget seeing as he had to deal with Andromeda constant whines of how her baby boy was growing up! TED HOW DO WE KEEP HIM FROM GROWING UP THIS ISN'T FAIR!!!!

Ted had to comfort his wife while she clung to Severus the same way he did upon her graduation. Of course aside from how proud of him she was both her and Ted weren't pleased with the fact that he joined the death eaters (love struck fool is what Andromeda had concluded for why he joined). Ted had to keep her from going over to the Malfoy Manor and kill Lucius for corrupting her baby boy.

Luckily for them she didn't bother to try and kill Evan Rosier (solely cause she knows Sev would be upset at her if she did, he really liked him). Eventually Andromeda annouces that she is pregnant and Ted is beyond happy but Sev is unsure how to feel (he's a mama's boy, he jealous) Once she starts to show Sev would poke her stomach which both Andromeda and Ted found amusing. The day that she was to give birth was rather eventful, her and Sev had been folding laundry when her water broke which made him faint.

After getting to the hospital with an unconscious Severus and contacting her husband she had finally given birth to that of Nymphadora Tonks. Both her and Ted had been immensely happy although Ted had been crying the entire time that both Andromeda and Severus wanted to hex him. When they went home Andromeda had finally gotten Severus to hold Nymphadora and when she was placed in his arms he froze up in fear.

He didn't want to accidentally hurt her and cause Andromeda & Ted to hate him. Soon after that day Severus had begun to visit them less due to being a death eater and not wanting them to get hurt. Yet one day he came to visit and his face was covered in dried up tears, his eyes red and puffy. His heart breaking as he told Andromeda and Ted about the death of Evan Rosier, the boy who captured the sun in his hair and held the sky in eyes. It took Andromeda several days to get Severus to stop crying and a couple more to get him to eat.

As days passed with Severus still visiting less Andromeda had gone back to Hogwarts to see him and inform him about the death of Ted. When she saw Sev all she could do was pull him into a hug and cry her heart out, a few minutes later she had regained enough strength and soon told Severus which caused him to break down and cry alongside Andromeda who still had her arms wrapped around him. Time came and went with Severus no longer visiting, until one faithful night when he came barging into her home sobbing.

She knew exactly why her boy was so heart broken, she had just read the paper that stated the death of Lily Evans and James Potter. She held him until he fell asleep in her arms and took him home. After that Sev barely left Hogwarts only to visit the Malfoy's seeing as Lucius was a death eater himself Sev didn't have to worry much but when it came to Draco he tried his best to protect him. As life goes on Sev and Andromeda continue to write to eachother.

The both of them had saved every letter and would read them when they got lonely. Andromeda had promised Severus that she wouldn't tell Nymphadora about him due to fear that she might get hurt because everyone who seems to know about him ended up dead. Sad to say it wasn't long before Andromeda received news about the death of her daughter and her son-in-law Remus that had prompted Severus to go see her and stay a few nights to keep her safe. As the war continued and Andromeda sat safely in her home with her grandson in her arms she received a letter which shattered her world completely.

Why? because that letter stated that her boy, her precious shy little boy, that same boy who was scared of the world, that boy who'd come crying to her and seeking comfort after being bullied, that boy who would shyly ask her to read to him when they were alone, that same boy who managed to best every slytherin in his exams, that boy who she had claimed as hers upon seeing him, her brave boy Severus Snape was dead.

She didn't know what to do, she sat there reading the letter over and over in hopes that it wasn't true. Yet once she realized that her boy was dead she broke down and cried till her eyes had no more tears shed. She lost everyone she loved and cared for, well all except her grandson and she prayed to Merlin that no one would take him away from her.

[darkpoisonouslove]

I'm offering you an empty salt shaker - asks 2, 5, 6, 15 (go ahead, I know you have something XD), 16, 20, 25 (about Bloom searching for her parents storyline)

Starting this again because guess who accidentally hit the key combination for undo and lost half an answered ask! This bitch right here.

I answered 2 here.

5. Has fandom ever ruined a pairing for you?*

Not that I can think of. It’s usually the source material that ruins things and fandom is tasked with fixing them later.

6. Has fandom ever made you enjoy a pairing you previously hated?*

I didn’t hate it but Bloom x Icy was incomprehensible to me. Fics helped a lot and so did other posts from here and there and I can see it now. Also, I totally couldn’t see Griffin x Codatorta but that changed, too. Though, that was less fandom and more trashcankitty12 with an ask that made me think about it a little more in-depth so it was pretty much me roping up myself into yet another ship. But ooh, I also don’t think I had considered Palladium x Avalon before fandom but, yes, indeed, it is right there in canon. And I was so puzzled over the Riven x Nabu content I was seeing but after watching seasons 3 and 4, I can totally see where this is coming from. The people are right. That is a bromance right there.

15. Unpopular opinion about the manga/show?

I have no idea what is popular and what isn’t (but you’re right that I have something aka A LOT) so I’ll just list my strong opinionsTM, okay? I will try not to dump on Bloom too much also because it is not a secret that I don’t like her so there is no need for me to go in too much detail.

4kids is the superior dub. That is probably the most controversial opinion I hold. But don’t worry, I’ll try to top it and up the ante. XD

I love Enchantix but it has so many flaws as a concept and even more as an execution and the thing that is really pissing me off is how obviously centered around Bloom’s arc it is. It was clearly created for the advancement of her character and the other girls’ stories came as an afterthought which is why Tecna’s Enchantix was total bullshit. And for having a transformation that is specifically created around Bloom, hers was bullshit as well. I think they should have let her reearn it in order for her to be able to use all of its functions like miniaturizing. Also also, at so many points it totally sounds like Bloom is not upset about the fact that Domino and all of its people were destroyed but about the fact that that means she won’t get her Enchantix. Which btw was a hasty conclusion because at the time Enchantix became a thing, she was still on a mission to find her parents which would have definitely been a way to earn her Enchantix and she had a sign that they were alive. So her angsting over not getting an Enchantix because of what happened on Domino was bad form on the writers’ part.

That spell for good decisions in 1x05 was one of the show’s lowest and most ridiculous moments. It was only included to flaunt in your face how naturally being a leader comes to Bloom because “See? See!!!!!! She can make a good decision without using magic to help her!” So can the majority of the population (note that we are talking about ONE good decision, not an unbreakable sequence of such). She ain’t all that special. Plus, Tecna was written wildly OOC there in order to boost Bloom’s stats so to speak. I’m sorry but Tecna would’ve known that three against four doesn’t give them advantage since they are freshmen and the Trix were seniors at the time. God, that scene was stupid.

Flora is the most boring character in seasons 1-3, fight me about it.

The writers totally had no idea what they were doing with the witches throughout most of season 1 which is why Griffin’s characterization in that season is so inconsistent. Also, wtf was that in 1x06? She straight up tried to kill a bunch of 15-year-old girls. Take a chill pill! I’m glad they figured out a much better balance with her later on.

Not using the fact that Cloud Tower is a living organism more was a fucking wasted opportunity. Especially in season 3 when Valtor took over it. That could have made everything so much better. Also, the witches should have been used more. They were interesting but deserved so much better in terms of development.

Sky should have just fucking died in 2x10. What were these resurrections and Bloom getting healing powers out of nowhere for a total of 5 seconds? You know, that could have been a good setup for a Bloom x Diaspro romance. It would have been so much better if they’d gotten together right after 1x17 and dumped Sky’s sorry ass. Also, Diaspro deserved better.

Riven is the best Specialist but he is especially better than Sky. Remember 1x22 when he was trying to escape CT? He was trapped deep in enemy territory with monsters everywhere and so high above the ground, yet he found his way out. Sky would’ve fucking died out in the open at Magix against one single monster if Bloom hadn’t shown up to rescue him. And the show has the gall to imply that Sky is a better Specialist than Riven is? Please!

The teachers should be fined and sued for emotional and physical damage they haven’t protected their students from. Especially the Alfea teachers who in 1x02 practically admitted that the witches might maim a fairy and they still won’t do shit about it. Nice one!

Griffin and Valtor is canonical subtext and I have nothing more to say about this. It is all there.

Valtor up until 3x18 and Valtor from 3x19 to 3x26 are two different people and the prior is superior in every way. The show ruined him in the last third of the season because there was no other way for Winx to defeat him.

Speaking about Valtor, his whole thing with the Trix is despicable and I hate it so much. It is extremely cringy on their part and extremely underhanded on his and I can’t stand it. Not to mention that it is wildly OOC for the Trix because they are obviously better than that.

I cannot understand saying that Bloom x Valtor is love-hate. I see only hate.

It is ridiculous how easily the Trix beat Griffin in season 6 and how they nearly take control over CT in season 2. And it is also ridiculous that she had to wait for Winx to unspell CT in season 3. She is a teacher, the headmistress of the most prestigious school for witches, a veteran and has been Valtor’s partner (and he himself admitted that together they were unstoppable which means that she has to be pretty powerful and even somewhere close to his level of power). Can the show stop acting like she is defenseless?

The teachers should have been used more. It would’ve been so much better if they were there to at least help Winx if not lead their battles. And it would have made much more sense. Also, how come Ediltrude and Zarathustra literally disappear when it’s convenient and then reappear again (like they did in season 1 when the witches went to Alfea)? That’s just bad writing.

Sky is adopted. He doesn’t resemble Erendor or Samara neither in appearance, nor in character and I hate them enough to headcanon that he was adopted but nobody knows because they don’t want to have claims that he is not an “official” heir of the throne because he isn’t part of the bloodline.

Mike and Vanessa are much more parents to Bloom than Marion and Oritel are, especially when the latter were first released from Obsidian, and the fact that Bloom starts calling them Mike and Vanessa instead of mom and dad after she learns she has other parents is abysmal. Also, they are literally the best parents ever and I love them to death. (I also like Marion and Oritel but Mike and Vanessa are definitely the superior pair of parents if we’re ranking them. I like the idea that the two couples are actually super close and love each other like relatives, in fact.)

What the fuck is up with the magic in this show? There is literally, like, NO FUCKING CONSISTENCY WHATSOEVER! You can’t blink without the rules of it changing in some way. But what am I saying? That would imply that there are any rules which is just not true. Also, there is no clear distinction of how powerful anyone is after season 1. The balance of powers especially between Winx and the Trix is pretty much whatever works for the episode. Same for Winx vs Valtor. The fuckery on that account is unreal. Plus, some of Bloom’s major power explosions happen due to her getting angry. According to the official Wiki - “While practicing or harnessing positive magic, one must keep a compassionate heart, primarily by keeping their thoughts and feelings clear of all negativity, making them capable of attracting positive energy more easily. Thus, if one is plagued with negative thoughts or feelings such as sadness, anger or fear, then their magic will grow   weaker until they may even be left incapable of casting magic until said feelings pass.“ Read that and then read it again, let it sink in. According to the rules of the Winx universe, during some of Bloom’s most powerful moments she was actually using dark magic, not light such because it was fueled by rage. Way to keep it fucking consistent. And that is not just Bloom! FLORA out of all people attacks the Trix in rage in 3x12 when they hurt her sister aka she was also using dark magic at that situation (and then you have Wizgiz scolding Mirta for it in SotLK like it is a sin to use dark magic, smh). In some instances I would argue that it was more of determination to protect rather than anger which I would say would still result in light magic. But The Flora thing, Bloom vs Stormy in 1x09 (Bloom even says she got so angry so that was not a case of protectiveness), Bloom vs Icy in 1x26 and Bloom vs Valtor in 3x14 were definitely rage aka dark magic. And then Bloom is all “fairies don’t have any demons”. Guess again, bitch! Also, writers, you need a dictionary to start comprehending the words you are actually writing?

Now that I think of it, the whole arc in the Resort Realm was bullshit. If it is a magic-free realm, nobody should have any magic in it, period! What is this bullshit that you can use Charmix and Gloomix there because they have higher magical energy? That absolutely doesn’t matter! If there isn’t any magic in the entire realm, having a higher amount of magic in you will not matter because you still can’t use it... because there isn’t any in the realm!!!!!! What the hell! Honestly, the writers can’t comprehend what words mean and that is not the only instance in which it shows.

Someone told me that SotLK is better than Magical Adventure and I don’t mean to offend but that is simply not true. Magical Adventure is leagues above SotLK even if it has some structural problems. Like, literally everything is better. Bloom and Sky are even likable and communicate!!!!!!!! Literally when have you ever seen a better moment for their relationship than in Magical Adventure? If it had been all like that, I would have liked them as a couple.

I think I got everything that comes to mind rn out. Might think of more at some point. I was done and then came back to rage some more because I remembered I had more material.

16. If you could change anything in the show, what would you change?

I would have them make smart decisions because 99% of the shit they pull is so stupid it is unreal. I literally cannot tell how they are still alive. Oh, no wait! Plot armor. Yep, that’s it.

But if I had to pick something specific? Bring Nabu back. I sure as hell wouldn’t have killed him. That was an asshole move and I have no idea what the hell the writers were thinking when they wrote that.

And my second choice is - implement a magical system into the series because there isn’t one. Magic always works the way the writers need it to work to pull off their bullshit plot even if it contradicts everything that we’ve seen before. Please, for the love of god! Consistency is already dead; stop stabbing its corpse!!!!

20. What is the purest ship in the fandom?

Purest ship? Lmao, asking me this question is underhanded. XD If you mean no drama, then Flora and Helia Mike and Vanessa. But I think my actual answer would be Griffin x Faragonda because they have been through so much that we know of or we can deduce and they still stuck together. Sure, they had their ups and downs but it is obviously a love for life that has lasted through so many obstacles and keeps lasting. The reason why I can’t say the same for Mike and Vanessa is because we don’t really know that much about their relationship with each other. But anyway I love both these ships so much.

If you’re talking about a canon ship, though, then Brandon and Stella (I do not recognize the stupid relationship drama in season 4 as canon). He did lie to her about his identity in season 1 but it was for his friendship with Sky (alternatively, for his job and duty as Sky’s squire). I just love how obviously in love Brandon is with Stella and how much Stella doesn’t care about anything but him. She didn’t care that he was a “commoner” and - one of my fave moments - in 1x08 she only cared about his well-being rather than the competition. It was adorable and they are adorable and I love them so much. Pure serotonin, right there!

25. How would you end the Bloom searching for her parents storyline/Would you change the ending?

I would certainly change the logistics of the whole thing because, boy, did it make no sense at all. As for the actual ending, I’d argue that physically finding them is not the end of that storyline and she needs to “find” them emotionally as well which would definitely take more time than SotLK cared to address. Like, she got them out of Obsidian and boom, everything’s fine! She literally doesn’t know them! Those are her parents and she doesn’t know anything about them! Their touch and their voices are unfamiliar to her even and they have missed on so much that they will never be able to get back and you’re saying that everything is fine? Yeah, right.

I would have had her spend a year on Domino with them before season 4. The school year that started in SotLK? She spends that with them. Possibly even the one that starts in Magical Adventure as well. She learns everything she can about them and the family history. She also learns how to be a proper royal because she is the Crown Princess now and she has no idea what the fuck she is doing. I would have made seasons 4 and possibly 5 about that and added more politics in it. Layla and Stella are also princesses who will run their kingdoms one day so we could have had adventures in political relations with Winx Club. They are pretty famous so I am sure there would be rulers of other lands that see them as threats and don’t like them. There could have been tension about that and the whole thing with Domino being the planet of the Dragon Fire could have been addressed. Who would dare oppose them when they are the most powerful force? Are they the most powerful force after the 17 years the planet spent as an ice block? Are there old alliances to be reforged? What is the political climate in the Magic Dimension? All absolutely fascinating questions that would have helped the worldbuilding and made place for Marion and Oritel in Bloom’s life and in the show. We could’ve gone back to the feel of season 1 when they also had other things going on besides the big baddie of the season and it could have been a little more episodical with a loose theme to connect the season and the overarching story of Bloom finding her parents and her place in the world she was born in. That could have been positively epic... And a great way to retain the cast because the Company of Light were allegedly friends so we could have seen Marion and Oritel reconnecting with Griffin, Faragonda, Saladin and Hagen. There could have been resurfacing debates left over from the war. Kingdoms angry at Domino for something that happened back then in order to include flashbacks with the events. AND that would work out with the fact that the Ancestral Witches were still around and could have led to another epic battle that wouldn’t end with the destruction of a whole planet. Like I said, there were amazing possibilities... and they were all wasted.

Well, this was long... and just what I needed. I hope some (civilized) discussion will spark out of that because I am tired of screaming in a void and I want people to talk to me.

[jungle321jungle]

Virgil’s Guide to Avoid Accidentally Falling In Love With Your Boss’ Boss

Virgil’s just trying to fake his way through life, but when he finds it hard to shake his hot boss’ boss’s attention- on account of their adopted sons being twins- things get complicated.

~~~~

Step One: Totally Do Not Find Him Attractive

“Handouts. Poster. PowerPoint. Lunch money. Lunch box. Lunch. Snack. School supplies. Roman... I think I have everything, so why do I feel like I’m missing something?”

“Dad? You’ve said that four times, but we haven’t left yet.”

“Fine,” Virgil sighed starting the car. “We’re leaving. We’re leaving... So, are you nervous for your first day Ro?”

Virgil watched as the seven year old shook his head in the rearview. 

“Some of my friends from camp will be there.”

Virgil nodded, “True, it’s good that you’ll already have some friends. Not that you’d ever have a problem making them.”

Roman beamed a smile at him, “Of course. Everyone wants to be my friend.”

“Is that right?”

“Yup. But are you nervous?”

“Very. I have a presentation at work.”

“You always have a presentation.”

“True, but this one is for my boss’ boss. So this one is very important.”

Roman rolled his eyes, “You say all of them are important.”

“They are.”

“You worry too much.”

“I don’t- coffee! That’s what I was forgetting!”

Two months had passed since Virgil had picked up his and Roman’s life for his new job. It had been difficult, leaving to go somewhere he had never been with a child by side, but this job offered more money and he could get Roman in a better school system so he had to. 

And for two months things had been alright. Roman had made fast friends at summer camp, even if Virgil hadn’t really made any, and things were going so smoothly. So of course a presentation which threatened his whole career had to come up. 

It was supposed to be a simple one. Just a collection of everything going on in his department to be shown to higher ups. It was something that his boss was supposed to present to her bosses. And his boss would’ve- had she not have sent Virgil a text at three am saying she was sick and that since he had made the presentation he should do it in her place. 

Two months since he started and he was finally going to meet his boss’ boss. The man in charge of this place. The man whose tongue was apparently so sharp that he made interns cry and employees quit. 

Virgil wanted to puke. 

He took a deep breath in and out as he stared in the bathroom mirror to attempt to calm himself. He was about to do so again when his phone dinged with a text. 

ROMAN’S EMERGENCY PHONE

Already made a friend I think! I’ll tell you all about him! Good luck with the presentation!

Virgil couldn’t stop the small smile on his face as he responded to remind Roman the definition of the word “emergency”, but regardless his son’s words were enough to calm him. He nodded at his own reflection satisfied and headed for the conference room. 

He arrived seven minutes early (early enough not to look insane, but early) the room was already filling with people he recognized and didn’t, but each introduced themselves and settled themselves as they trickled in. 

And for a moment Virgil real thought he could do this. For a moment. Because as soon as that thought crossed his mind the door opened and everyone silenced. 

Virgil looked up from where he was hooking up his computer to the projector to see a man walk in. While Virgil had never seen him or even a picture of him before, the different colored eyes and scar of the stories gave him away to be Dante Ekans. 

The stories Virgil had heard of Dante Ekans spoke of a man with one brown eye and one that looked almost yellow in the light, and a scar that covered half his face (none of the stories however could agree on how he got said scar). The stories spoke of a man who was short tempered, cruel, and stiff. 

The stories seemed to say everything about the man, other than the fact that he was hot in a suit. 

The suit fit him perfectly- but then again the thing was probably tailor made to do so. And everything about it perfectly complimented his face. 

Virgil had assumed that the scar spoken of would make anyone look terrible, so why did he look even more rugged, and serious, and attractive?

“So you’re Storm?” Dante Ekans asked running his gaze up and down Virgil’s form in way which must’ve been unimpressed. 

Virgil forced himself not to pick apart everything that sounded beautiful about that voice and instead nodded, “Yes sir.”

“Then get on with it.”

Virgil gave a hard swallow, “Yes sir.”

The presentation... went. 

It didn’t go badly, and it didn’t go well. But Virgil couldn’t blame anyone else but himself for that. He had started strong, been on a roll for about half of it. But that’s when Dante Ekans had  looked up from his phone for the first time since the presentation started, and that’s when the two locked eyes, and that’s when Virgil forgot how to function like a normal human being. He liked to think he recovered towards the end as he was able to answer any and all questions perfectly as if he had practiced them (because he had). So yeah, it went. 

Virgil was just happy to retreat to his desk afterwards, also known as a safe place where hot bosses don’t exist (according to his coworkers his own boss was hot, but that wasn’t Virgil’s area of expertise). He was just content to drown himself at the work he had, because if he could make it through the day he wouldn’t have to think Dante Ekans again for a while. Just gotta make it through the day. 

Simple enough. 

~~~~

Virgil was texting his boss about the meeting when the back car door opened suddenly. He jolted and dropped the phone and holding back a curse bent down to pick up.

“Dad!”

“Hey Ro,” Virgil greeted looking around for the device on his floor. “How was your first day?”

“Amazing! You’ll never guess what happened!”

Virgil found his phone and sat up to look at his son in the rearview and froze noticing the presence of a second child in his car. 

Even scarier, the child looked just like Roman. 

Virgil turned around in his seat and blinked a few times, “What?”

“Tada!” The two shouted at once. 

Virgil’s mouth opened and closed twice before he was able to speak. He focused on the one he knew was his, “Roman? What’s going on?”

“This is Remus!” Roman smiled happily. “We gotta be twins!”

Virgil nodded with a forced smile, “Alright. Um, nice to meet you Remus.”

“Nice to meet you Mr. Virgil!” Remus smiled. 

Virgil nodded again, “Um boys? Why don’t you hop out a sec? Okay?”

The two boys seemed confused, but did so and Virgil walked around to the sidewalk as they climbed out, waving over a teacher as he did. 

“Remus!” The man said hurrying over. “You cannot go home with Roman!”

The two boys grabbed each other in a hug, “He's my brother!” Remus declared. 

Roman nodded, “Dad! Remember Mrs. Julie always said I had a brother who adopted? It’s gotta be Remus! Our names even go together!”

“Remus you need to go home with your dad, and Roman his,” the teacher tried with a slight sigh (Virgil had met him when dropping off Roman in morning, what was his name? Mr. Hart? That sounded right). “I’m sorry Mr. Storm,” he apologized. 

“Not your fault,” Virgil told him turning his attention back to the duo- who were giving him identical pouting faces. “Roman, you’ll see Remus tomorrow.”

Roman shook his head, “No, I don’t want to be separated again!”

Virgil opened his mouth to comment that the two didn’t know they were brothers yet, but looking at the two it was obvious. “It’s just until tomorrow,” he tried. 

“But Dad.” Roman’s eyes welled with tears. 

“I’m sorry Roman. Another day I can talk to Remus’ parents and then we can get a playdate or something okay?”

Apparently his response wasn’t good enough because that’s when both boys started crying. 

Virgil held in a curse, “Roman come on, you’ll see him tomorrow. You have school everyday.”

This only seemed to make the two cry more. 

“Oh there’s your Dad, Remus!” Mr. Hart smiled suddenly. “Let’s get this figured out.”

“Daddy!” Remus cried letting go of Roman- but he still held Roman’s hand as he moved past Virgil to go to a man who bent down to hug him. 

“Daddy he’s mean!” Remus cried pointing to Virgil. 

His father picked up his head enough to acknowledge Virgil- and Virgil died right then and there. “Did you make my son cry, Storm?” 

Virgil swallowed and took a step backwards at the man’s piercing glare, “Not exactly sir...”

Needless to say, Virgil didn’t make it through the rest of the day without thinking about Dante Ekans.

Step One - Step Two

[itsclydebitches]

This isn’t really much of a defense as it is just a acknowledgement of the difference: Oz NEVER planned on telling anyone anything, if a way to stop Salem cropped he’d have probably still never told anyone. Ruby, DID plan on telling people, just after they earned her trust. The reason this is still a criticism is because SHE SHOULD FUCKING TRUST IRONWOOD.

Asking this to the fandom as an honest question: when do we learn that Ozpin never planned to tell anyone? To my recollection he doesn’t say that (and I admit completely it’s just my recollection, I could be forgetting something), but rather he says instead: 

“Do you really think Leo was the first? That he didn’t say those exact same words to me? I’m sorry, but you have to understand that my behaviors are backed by experience. I’m not saying that I have reason to think you will betray me. I’m saying that I have reasons for the things that I do. The secrets I keep. I--”

(This is a speech that the group - and via them the audience - never has to grapple with because Ozpin realizes in this moment that the relic is gone, moving the conversation away from his defense and towards Ruby’s refusal to give it back/Oscar forcibly taking Jinn’s name.) 

Saying, “My experience means that I have good reason not to spill these secrets carelessly” is not the same thing as “I never plan on telling them to anyone.” This is, in fact, the exact same reasoning that Ruby adopts: I plan to tell you things after you’ve earned my trust. Ozpin admits here that Team RWBY doesn’t have his trust yet. Not because they as individuals have done something to lessen that (though I’d argue that the group’s overall attitude makes trusting them justifiably difficult), but rather that platitudes - “You can trust us!” - have proven to be meaningless throughout Ozpin’s lifetime: “Do you really think Leo was the first? That he didn’t say those exact same words to me?” Here, Ozpin is in the same place with Team RWBY as Ruby was with Ironwood for weeks on end. I simply don’t trust you yet and you’ll just have to wait until I do. (Even though, as you say, Color2wheel, Ironwood had actions to prove his trust whereas Team RWBY just has those platitudes...) 

The only “proof” I’ve heard in the fandom that Ozpin never intended to tell them about Salem is the fact that Qrow doesn’t know about her yet. The logic goes, “Well if Qrow doesn’t know after years and years of working with Ozpin then obviously he doesn’t plan to ever tell him at all.” It sounds damning on the surface but what this argument fails to take into account is what Ozpin himself points out, that his behaviors are “backed by experience.” Or, to put it more bluntly, this argument fails to take trauma into account. 

Ozpin is grappling with trauma that, thus far, no other character has had to try and overcome. 

Ruby actually gives us a good baseline. We can think of her trust as akin to an equation: 

Being betrayed by one person (Ozpin) + encountering an ally who is doing everything possible to demonstrate trust (Ironwood) = needed a couple weeks in order to trust them. 

Ozpin’s equation is more like: 

Being betrayed by an unknowable number of people across a thousand years (Raven, Lionheart, and Team RWBY most recently) + encountering allies who do things that demonstrate that trusting them may be quite a risk (Qrow is called out for not being a reliable spy and is emotionally very fragile, Ironwood disagrees with Ozpin’s methods, Team RWBY is constantly pissed at him, etc.) = needing....? 

How long does it take to trust again after all that? After a thousand years of people not just hurting you when they learn this secret (abandoning you for Salem, trying to kidnap you, kill you) but also hurting themselves as well (Qrow falls into an alcoholic stupor and only comes out of it when his niece threatens to leave him behind)? If Ruby’s experiences as a 17yo with (at most) two years experience outside the safety of Patch/Beacon means it took her weeks to trust again, how many years does it take someone who has been through as much as Ozpin? Probably the number of years that Qrow has been trustworthy “enough” to learn this secret but hasn’t. Needing more time to trust again because you’ve been traumatized by trusting others isn’t comparable to not trusting because you’re a bad person and you just didn’t want to. “Not now” doesn’t mean “never” and “I currently can’t” is not the same thing as “I won’t.” In addition, none of this takes into account that Ozpin kept silent during a time of peace when telling people (arguably) wasn’t necessary, whereas Ruby kept silent during a time of war when she knew Ironwood was putting time and resources towards a doomed plan. Those are radically different situations, even removing Ozpin’s trauma.

In the interest of boiling complex stuff down into more easily understood examples, let’s talk about another kind of trauma for just a moment. Something simpler, straight forward, and generally more accepted: a fear of dogs. 

Ruby: I was bitten by a dog once. I wasn’t the worst bite in the world but it still effected me. Now I’ve met this other dog and he’s... kind of scary. Big. Looks mean. Barks a lot. I get intellectually that the dog isn’t attacking me and is showing that he will sit quietly if I were to approach... but I can’t bring myself to pet the dog yet. I need time. 

The Story: Entirely understandable. 

Ozpin: I’ve yet to have a good experience with a dog. I’ve been bitten by them throughout my whole life - which is over fifty times the length of Ruby’s. These bites have left scars. I’ve been mauled by dogs before. I’ve had people set their dogs on me. I get intellectually that all dogs aren’t bad, but it’s incredibly hard for me to pet any at this point, even those whose owners insist that they’d never, ever hurt me. I’ve heard those same words right before I was bit again... 

The Story: Hmm. Seems suspicious. 

Ruby: Okay! I’ve spent weeks with this specific dog now and you know what? I’m ready to pet him. I’m emotionally in that place now. There. I did it! Aren’t you proud of me? 

The Story: We are! Wow that was so well done. You are such a good person for petting that dog and I’m sure your ability to do so is based entirely on your morality and has nothing to do with your individual experiences. 

Ozpin: No, I still haven’t pet any dogs yet. I’m not ready. 

The Story: Well Ruby pet one. 

Ozpin: Forgive me, but Ruby had one bad experience with a dog. She’s been surrounded by other supportive, happy, loyal, gentle dogs her whole life! Has any dog ever tried to kill Ruby? I feel like that would have a bearing on how quickly she starts interacting with them again... 

The Story: Nope. She’s just better than you. 

Now replace all “petting dogs again” with “trusting someone with this secret again.” Before I condemn Ozpin and uphold Ruby, I’d like to see a version of Ruby Rose who went through even a fraction of what Ozpin has been through regarding trust, secrets, and absolutely horrific betrayal. Give me a Ruby who has told people the Salem secret and they leave her, attack her, try to kidnap her, kill her, deny her support, grow to hate her... and then lets see if it still “only” takes a few weeks to spill it again. Give me a Ruby who has to suffer through Blake abandoning her, or Weiss joining up with Salem, or Jaune trying to kidnap her to ensure his own safety and then we can start praising her if she trusts quickly after all that. 

For me, it has never been established that Ozpin would have never told his allies this secret, only that his experiences mean he needs more than the average person to take that risk. I actually think having a Salem plan would have made all the difference. Reassuring someone that there won’t be repercussions for the awful thing they just heard is a great way to ensure they aren’t nearly as angry as they might have been: 

Person A: I... accidentally left the gate open and the dog got out. 

Person B: You what? 

Person A: But don’t worry! I’ve already got a plan to get him back. Everything is fine!

Person B: It’s a damn good thing. 

vs. 

Person A: I... accidentally left the gate open and the dog got out. 

Person B: You what? Well how are you getting him back? 

Person A: I haven’t figured that out yet...

Person B: What the hell is wrong with you? 

People like easy solutions to hard problems. It’s the first thing Ruby asks: We just learned that Salem is immortal and we know you’ve failed to get rid of her for a thousand years...but you have a plan to fix this in our lifetime, right? We don’t have to deal with this awful immortality business because you’ve figured out how to fix everything for us, right? And when Ozpin admits that he doesn’t have that solution fury gets the better of them. He’s punched into that tree. They drive him away. If Ozpin had been able to say, “Don’t worry! It doesn’t matter if Salem is immortal because I’ve found a way to circumvent that immortality! This reveal will have no negative impact on you moving forward,” we would have gotten a very different conversation. And very different actions on Ozpin’s part throughout his life. The whole reason he keeps Salem’s immortality to himself is because he has no way to circumvent it. He doesn’t want to tell people that this fight is (currently) impossible because that is what leads to them giving up/joining Salem/taking their fear out on him. There’s no longer a reason to keep her immortality a secret if the immortality is circumventable. A plan would have removed at least some of Ozpin’s (justified) fears. People aren’t going to attack him if he can easily fix this problem for them. If he can’t fix it? Well, then you’re disposable. We’re going to leave you for someone more powerful (Salem) or just cut you out of our life completely (Team RWBY). 

What it comes down to is that Ruby’s experiences and Ozpin’s experiences simply aren’t comparable. It’s something he says outright in the story - “you have to understand that my behaviors are backed by experience” - but moving forward RWBY has chosen to ignore that. The man who has spent a thousand years being traumatized by trust going sideways can’t compare to the teen with just a spattering of experience under her belt trusting for the second time. Ozpin was Ruby at one point. There was a time when he trusted a second time and he didn’t get an Ironwood who sat calmly and accepted the news with such grace. So what proof do we have that without being so lucky (without a narrative that ensures Ruby comes out on top) Ruby wouldn’t have become Ozpin in time? There’s nothing intrinsic in Ruby that makes her a better person who is more able to trust others. It’s entirely that her experiences haven’t (yet) led to trust being a trigger for abandonment and assault. Ruby is just an Ozpin in the making because anyone can struggle due to trauma - even a “simple soul.” It’s a crucial difference and, frankly, I think RWBY has failed not to acknowledge it. 

[doodle-zombie]

Lamia Bonding #14: Beach Day

Warning: If you're at all squicked by self-hate due to body perception, please keep that in mind before you read this.

---

Packing the boys up and taking them to the beach was... an idea that Valerie sort of regretted. The weather had gotten a lot nicer in the last few days and she loved swimming and the beach was one of those things that everyone could enjoy. She refused to take any of her boys to a crowded pool, not willing to see what chlorine would do to Sangria's beautiful scales. If it was anything close to what happened to her skin... yeah, she wasn't risking it.

It was fortunate that she had taken possible beach days into account when getting clothes for her boys and she had several sleeveless tops that would keep them decent enough not to attract weirdos. The unfortunate part was...

Swimsuits.

Valerie hadn't worn a legitimate swimsuit since the one time she'd wore a bikini, back when she was 12, and the experience had been so unpleasant it still made her feel sick. Since then she had strictly worn shorts and a tank top whenever she was swimming around other people and she tended to have massive freakouts the day before. When it came to what she looked like with less covering her Valerie was often shoved into a deep pit of sadness. None of her boys had seen her with less than a long sleeve shirt and pants on, feet completely covered as well.

Sadly, she couldn't hide behind so much coverage when it got hot enough to make her sweat. And with the boys being in her life she couldn't just hide when she wore fewer clothes.

All of the boys had slept with her, even Sangria had somehow got tired enough to actually sleep, and she woke up so hot that she'd wanted to melt. And of course, she had worn her usual fuzzy pajama pants and long sleeve shirt to sleep so she was an absolute furnace that the boys loved cuddling with. A miserable furnace. She was sure that a tail had even slipped into the leg of her pants sometime in the night.

The increase in temperature was not a very welcome change for Valerie but she peeled herself out of bed and went to check the weather report. It would be warm enough that people would be congregating at the beach, since the weather had been fluctuating so much lately, and she could admit to being somewhat excited to get to the water herself. Sure, she generally had to shave before she went or she would never be able to convince herself to leave the house but it would be worth it. Her boys would love to sunbathe in hot sand, she was sure of it!

Unfortunately, Valerie was ruthlessly reminded that none of them had seen her uncovered before. As soon as she took off her shirt and laid eyes on the old scars... she felt immediately disgusted. It was just a flash and then it was shoved aside for indifference instead but she still stared at the scars on her left arm for much too long. They didn't stop there, either. Littering any easily covered area from her chest down to her upper thighs. She had allowed herself to forget they were even there.

Out of sight, out of mind.

She wasn't ashamed of the scars, per se, but they generally got her a lot of negative attention. Add on to that, Valerie was incredibly pale and the number of comments that got her was something else entirely. When she had hair to cover the scars she could forget they were there but she feared the fight it would cause if she didn't go smooth more than people seeing her scars. Better for people to assume she'd survived an attack of some sort than to think she was a radical feminist hell-bent on taking down the patriarchy.

Marmalade was drawn in by her negativity just as she was finally putting clothes on, shorts, and a tank top as she usually wore when the weather was warm. Not only would it be the first time he saw her scars but it would be his first glimpse of the tattoos as well. The green eyes of the wolf on her left side were what greeted him while she carefully put her hair up into a ponytail. Valerie tried to summon a believable smile for her Chain but she could tell if fell flat by his open skepticism. Of all her boys, he knew her the best.

"We're going to the beach," she announced, hands on her hips to avoid rubbing at her arms. "Can you make sure everyone gets ready while I prepare the snacks?"

"'k."

Well, that was the least amount of fuss she had ever gotten about anything. Marmalade wasn't big on fussing with her but he was usually capable of a bit of funny, fake tantrum-throwing to make her smile. She was still anticipating a tantrum but likely from Currant because the chances of someone making a comment on her boys were high. People wouldn't understand how she kept a Coral and a Mamba together, or why she had them in such large sizes when the bitty versions were "sooo much better don't you know?"

Ugh, she was already disgusted.

Nothing that she came up with prepared her for what actually happened.

Arriving at the beach was the easy part, her van fit all the boys with moderate comfort and they could assist her when it came down to moving things around. Lapis was already napping, sprawled across her shoulders and snoring away. Currant wouldn't help, still incredibly wary and insistent on clinging to her side. Marmalade and Sangria were already off, the Mamba declaring he would find the perfect spot for them to bask and his clutch brother rolling the small lights in his sockets. Other people gave Sangria a wide berth, unwilling to be on the receiving end of his venomous ire by accidentally touching him when they weren't allowed to.

Valerie followed with a little laugh, holding Currant's hand so she could still walk but they wouldn't get separated. His reaction to the sand was a little shiver of bliss, the grains perfectly warm against the dense magical scales of his tail. She was surprised to find that, though her boys weren't the only lamia around, she had the only full-size lamia on the whole beach. There were a few people who had the distinct forms of Chain lamia, one or two had Corny lamia bitties, but nobody had a Mamba or Coral. In fact, the most common type she saw was the Papython and she even saw more Kings!

The only lamia types she didn't see at all were Mamba, Coral, Pygmy, and Honey Bo. And that made her really sad, a Pygmy would love to be taken to the beach! She had almost assumed there were no Kraits but a squint towards the water revealed their characteristic pattern bobbing amongst the waves. Valerie even saw some bitty types she'd never seen before, including a few skeletons with wings flittering about and though they were adorable she worried they'd be picked off by predatory birds and the seagulls!

She spent so long admiring the other bitty around her that Valerie had effectively been ignoring the comments being passed around about her. It wasn't anything new and having her focus on it once again meant that Val just clenched her teeth behind her smile and kept walking.

"...legs are so pale!"

"...see all those scars? What a freak."

"Does she think she's cute?"

Her hand tightened around Currant's phalanges, drawing his crimson eye lights up to her face. Val was trying her hardest not to think about how much she once firmly believed what these people were saying about her. She wasn't some skinny girl who could pull off a swimsuit and feel confident that everyone thought she was cute. Ah, she remembered why she never got a roommate and why she preferred to live so far from other people.

Why her only friends were monsters she adopted to care for.

"HOW DARE YOU SSSSSAY SSSSUCH LIESSSS ABOUT MY HUMAN!"

The booming, enraged voice of Sangria sharply cut through her mental anguish. While she was stuck in her own head they had managed to reach Sangria and Marmalade, both of which were incredibly irritated by the comments they'd heard directed at her. Sangria was puffed up angrily, so far off the ground and emitting a deep hiss that he looked much larger than she knew he was. Marmalade's tail was buzzing, something Valerie had never seen him do before, and the menacing glare on his face showed he would tolerate no disrespect towards his bonded. People that had been close seemed much more interested in putting distance between themselves and her boys.

Currant quickly joined in on their posturing, less withdrawn once he was around the others, and added in a lot of very.... colorful insults. Even Lapis, her lazy boy, was tensed around her neck and glaring darkly from beneath one of her plugs.

"Well," she drawled, amused at how quickly their section of the beach had been vacated. "That's one way to guarantee we have enough space to bask."

"not funny," Currant and Marmalade hissed together, twin stares daring her to pretend she was OK.

Ever the large personality, Sangria wasted no time in taking her mind off the insults to her person.

"Put your human sun lotion on," he commanded, hands upon his hips. She had to squint to look at his tail, which was just beautiful under the sun. "The last thing we need is you getting burned."

"I love you guys," she breathed, absolutely delighted by the colorful range of blushing skulls.

[bambirex]

So, I finished two assigments today, and inspiration for writing hasn't hit yet but I'm a bit bored, so I decided to share some interesting facts about my fics that no one asked for:

Bed of Roses, Pleasure Cruise, my very first fanfiction, wasn't supposed to be posted. My ex of 1,5 years dumped me, and I wrote this as a sort of therapy, just for myself. I thought "hmm, not enough genderbent Queen, especially genderbent!poly!queen... Eh, you know what, I'm just gonna write it myself, for my own entertainment!" So, I wrote this on my old laptop, in a word document, hidden from anyone else. I only wrote it in English, because I was getting a little rusty and wanted to improve my skills. I had about eight chapters done before I decided to create an ao3 account, and posted the first chapter to see the reactions- which were all super positive! At the beginning, it was meant to be pure smut and nothing else, but seeing how incredibly immersed my readers were in the characters and their relationship, I decided to give it some more depth in the end. It was also meant to contain a random pool party/pool sex chapter, but I didn't know where to fit it in, so that got lost in the ether. 😂

When it comes to my one-shots, or fics submitted to a fic event, My Baby Does Me Good is my least favorite I've ever written. I think this was the most boring, subpar fic I ever churned out- which is incredibly surprising, considering how popular it was! 😃 Funny how that is.

A Miracle On Earth had two, pretty funny accidents. One, it wasn't meant to be modern au- I had to add the tag after realizing that I had Jane accidentally use a mobile phone in the first chapter. In retrospect, that was for the best- after all, how else would Freddie and Jane be able to have a baby through artificial insemination? I think the early chapters of this prove that I definitely needed a lot of time to improve as a writer. Two, I couldn't come up with a name for fem!Joe Fanelli - my stupid ass forgot that 'Jo' exists, and the only thing that came to mind was Jenny. Now, she is stuck with that one for good. I also intended for Jimercury to only have one kid- but for some inexplicable reason, I decided to give them a second one, through adoption. So, Gabriel Mercury-Hutton almost never existed.

The Garden Lodge Family Shenanigans series - after AMOE- was born as a sort of spite fic. I felt incredibly down after seeing how little comments AMOE got, but I was super invested in that AU, and I was like "fuck it, I'm gonna continue to beat a dead horse, and if people don't care, it's their loss!" This was probably my healthiest attitude in terms of fic-writing, like ever 😂 also, the responses so far were incredibly positive, so I'm glad I didn't give up!

If I talked about my least favorite fic, I need to mention my absolute favorite one-shot I've ever written, which is Thank God It's Christmas. I consider this a christmas gift for myself, as I was in a festive mood, and I love the OT5 (and I was a bit horny... Ahem). Once again, funny how this goes, because despite how much I loved writing this, it definitely didn't become as popular as I hoped 😂

Waiting For The Skies To Clear is the longest one-shot I've written so far, over 10.000 words. Despite that, I had it done in about one and a half hour- the words just kept flowing. This fic was one of the easiest for me to write, even though it was super long and quite heavy, too.

I actually considered writing Te Engemet, Én Tégedet fully in Hungarian, before realizing the odds of Hungarian Queen fans who are also into genderbending, is... Quite small 😂 So, I decided to have it available for anyone, instead. It was also the only fic where I literally cried while writing it, not just tearing up, but full on sobbing lmao

I almost gave up Keep Yourself Alive so many times, you have no idea. I absolutely had zero idea about where I wanted to go with that fic, and writer's block kept hitting me. But I powered through! I almost ended up writing the attack against Freddie as successful, but then I refrained, because I couldn't make myself do it, and I also peferred a happy ending.

I know it sounds horrifying in retrospect, but originally, Funny How Love Is wasn't supposed to contain The Clique. I brought them in for extra drama, and they soon became favorites, both to myself and my readers. I also considered going down the poly route, but changed my mind pretty quickly.

Can't Get No Relief, Lord was almost never born. I desperately wanted to write something for the Freddie Mercury Weekend, but I wasn't sure genderbent fics would be welcome. I also came across an influx of hate comments by the so-called "" "" "Freddie fans" "" "" ", and I didn't feel like dealing with that. If it wasn't for @a-froger-epic and her encouragment, I never would have written this. Also, writing this fic tore up a few wounds and brought some of my nasty internalized lesbophobia to the surface, so I was a wee bit depressed after finishing it. This fic is the only one that doesn't contain a wlw pairing.

Better Sit Back And Go (With The Flow) was originally meant to be much more light-hearted. I was considering writing about old Maylor babying the shit out of Addie Lambert, but then I went down a much angstier, heavier route- mostly because I was feeling down that day, and that was how I coped.

I don't want to spill too much, as this is is still a work in progress, but I hadn't even meant to write Deep Like The Sea just yet. But then Maycury Week came, I wanted to participate but had no other ideas, so I pushed the idea to the front. Delilah was meant to be some kind of smaller fish at first, but then I realized a dolphin would work much better.

Also a WIP, so I'm trying not to share too many spoilers, but Written In The Stars changed so much as it progressed. When I came up with the medieval Jimercury idea, I meant to have Jane as Freddie's handmaiden from the get-go, and no Phoebe and Jenny. I literally changed all that as I sat down to write the first chapter. I was also considering adding the other King girls, but I realized they wouldn't fit into the story too much. Paul was originally meant to be male!Mary at first - but even though I'm not a big fan of her, that would have felt a little too ooc, and decided to have Paul as my villain. It was also meant to be around 20 chapters, and yet, here I am at 47 chapters already 😂

And, lastly, most of you already know this, but Lilies of The Valley is based on a crazy dream I had after re-watching The L Word.

[thecorteztwins]

Werewolf Shinobi @esteicy-blog! Also tagging @acaprioglino @shattered-catalyst @sammysdewysensitiveeyes because I think you’ll enjoy it, as it has your chaotic dumbass boy! Shinobi Shaw was not a good werewolf. The first time he transformed, he didn’t rampage, or attack livestock, or eat people. He just had a really hard time adjusting to having four legs and tottered around the house falling all over his own paws, then barked at the mirror for two hours. He then had proceeded to just hide under his blanket with his nose poking out. His next few full moons had not gone any better. And worst of all, got sprayed by a skunk. His human form was just as embarrassing. He got distracted by squirrels mid-flirtation. He was starting to get really into sniffing people at parties. He attempted to run after cars, but still wasn’t in good enough shape for it so he just got worn out and started wheezing and whining and begging anyone he was with to carry him. And while making out with a guy at his apartment, the man’s cat had walked in. Immediately, Shinobi had jumped down to all fours to chase it...only for the cat to beat him up. Needless to say, his pack leaders were not pleased. He was before them now in his wolf form, which looked more like a coyote-sized black fox that anything, slim and silver-ticked with white paws. His tail was tucked, his ears were drooping, and his amber eyes were upturned in supplication towards the trio passing judgement on him from the rocks above that served as their thrones. Emma Frost. Erik Lehnsherr. And Sebastian Shaw, Shinobi’s own father. The representatives of the three most powerful werewolf clans in the territory, and the sternest, hardest-hearted, scariest people that Shinobi had ever met...with his father being the worst in all three categories. It wasn’t just that he was mean, or yelled, or told Shinobi he was a worthless idiot every time he saw him. It was the fact he hit him in human form, and bit him around the neck as a wolf, every time Shinobi disappointed or failed him. Which was often. Shinobi was trying not to cry.

Luckily, it was Emma who spoke, otherwise he might have lost that battle, and no one wanted to see a wolf weep. ”Shinobi Shaw, three times you have been granted the opportunity to prove yourself worthy as a werewolf of the Hell’s Fire Pack. Three times you have failed---and in rather spectacular fashion, I might add.” It had indeed been spectacular. The first time had involved a lake, the second a tanker truck, and the third time....a grand but accidental fireworks display that had frightened off every prey in the area during a hunt. Shinobi still wasn’t sure how any of it happened, but he suspected that the “liquid courage” he had consumed beforehand to “calm his nerves” might have had something to do with it. ”Three chances is traditionally all one gets,” Emma continues, “And it is typically MORE than one ever needs.” His ears drooped lower and he slumped. ”However...” His ears perked up. ”When the three of us assumed leadership of Hell’s Fire, part of the mandate that united us was the belief that some traditions must be torn down or at the very least modified to better suit the modern age and to best serve the pups of this generation. Lone wolves are a risk not only to themselves, but our species as a whole, and we would prefer for such a fate only to be earned by malicious action, not mere incompetence. Thus, for the time being...you are permitted to remain here, though you are still counted not counted as having any rank or truly belonging to the pack. But you are also not counted as a cub either. You are...your own category. Until we figure out what to do next with you.” His own category? He looked up. He was unique! He was special! He was so clever and amazing they had to make a new category just for him! As delusional as that was, it was either that or face the sense of crushing failure that was weighing down on his slim canine shoulders, so he embraced it...and avoided the stony GLARE of his father from on high, silent at Emma’s side, opposite of the other male, Erik. He had a feeling that his father probably had NOT been the one to vote to let him stay. But he would show him! He would show them all! He was just having a rough start, but he would be the best wolf ever! The best wolf the Hell’s Fire pack had ever seen in HISTORY! Bounding off into the woods after his dismissal, ignoring the laughs and taunts of packmates, his slender chest filled with determination, with confidence, with courage! He was going to--- He stopped in his tracks, kicking up quite a few leaves from the forest floor, as he realized, fuck, he didn’t know what to do. How could he prove himself? Let’s see...he had failed three attempts at the Rite of Passage, in which a young werewolf was given a task to prove himself worthy... Aha! That was the problem! The challenges were wrong! He would just have to make his own! And to do that, he needed inspiration! And for inspiration, he needed...BOOZE! So he trotted down to town and went into the nearest bar....and was promptly chased out with a broom by the screaming bartender. Oh, right, he was still in wolf form. He shapeshifted into his human state, and went back in...only to get chased out again, this time because he was naked. Man, some people were so uptight! After procuring some proper attire---meaning he swung by the designer boutique up the street where he had a personal account, rather than just go back to his penthouse to get clothes he already owned---he returned to the bar, told them they had made a huge mistake and he would now take his business elsewhere, and asked if anyone could lend him a $20 for an Uber. No one did. Then he remembered he had a driver he could just call. So he asked if anyone could lend him their cell phone. Wolves really needed to develop pockets in their coats. Eventually, he did manage to get to the upscale club he had in mind, though only by taking public transport like a SAVAGE. But he’d felt unsafe on the subway was a beautiful and affluent-looking human, so he’d shifted back into his wolf form for the trip... Meaning that someone was on a subway car with a wolf that was wearing fabulous sunglasses (at night) and a big fuzzy brilliantly purple haute couture coat. He was probably responsible for a WHOLE lot of people thinking they were either on drugs, or needed to quit them. He shifted back, got into the club, and... That was the last thing he remembered before waking up in the dog pound, in his wolf form again and without his new clothes. Oh, well, no big, this had happened before, he would just--- ”Hello there.” A WOMAN IN A LAB COAT was looking down at him. Something about her reminded him of Emma Frost, and not just because she was an attractive blonde. His tailed wagged and he hoped for pats. ”Don’t play puppy with me, wolf,” she said in a smirking tone, and his eyes went wide. She knew! ”Yes, I know what you are,” she continued, as though she had read his mind, ”Just stay in your current form, and everything will be fine. I’m getting you out of here.” Oh wow, he had found an ally! The pack would be so proud of him! She had on the white coat so she must be a doctor, maybe a vet! That was great! They needed people like her! After she had filled out his adoption paperwork, she walked him back to her car on a leash, something he enjoyed IMMENSELY. Once he was in the passenger seat, he turned into his human state again, to let her see just what a gorgeous specimen she had procured for herself. ”Hey there babe. I’m Shinobi Shaw, and I’m all ready to be your new pet. Or should I say---” ”Oh, shut up,” was the last thing he heard as she sprayed a can of knock out gas at him and he collapsed. When he regained consciousness, he was in a cage once again. A lab this time. Even he could recognize that, with all the beakers and test tubes around with unpleasant looking fluids in them, not to mention the other animals and people---people!---in cages there too. Many of the animals were squeaking or crying in pain, but the people...they didn’t move. And they didn’t look good either. Their naked skin had strange green patches, almost like they were growing algae from their flesh. Skin tags the size of plums drooped at random places. Liver spots were swollen and growing small horns. Teeth were sticking out of places that were NOT there mouths. And some of them were...kinda oozing. It had the antiseptic smell of a hospital...mixed, paradoxically and disturbingly with the smell of rot. Rot, and radiation. What kind of crazy medical kink play had he gotten into?! ”Oh hey babe---or should I say Mistress? Doctor, maybe?” he posed in as sexy a position as he could in the cramped cage as the blonde woman entered the lab. A hush fell over it, the animals too scared to continue their howls and squawks, the people too far gone to speak. As soon as he tells me everything I need to know, I’m wiring his jaws shut and excising his tongue, thought Dr. June Covington. Out of all the supernatural creatures she was studying, she’d expected werewolves to be the most taciturn, thinking they would be more like animals than people....although, in a way, she was right, this guy WAS an animal. And a dumb one at that. “Shut up,” she said simply, just as she had in the car. She unlocked the cage, grabbed him by the neck, and hauled him out. As she expected, he went willingly; it was why she hadn’t used anesthetic on him as she usually did with such creatures. She’d thought that his enthusiasm might wane as the experiments began, and yet, it did not. He clearly enjoyed them, writing around and making kinky innuendo throughout. She finally muzzled him, and he just clearly enjoyed that. She began considering anesthetizing him just so she wouldn’t have to put up with this shit, but she went through a LOT of sedatives, it was unwise to waste it on him if she didn’t have to. She’d hate to find herself facing down a PROPER werewolf without enough sedatives on hand when she needed it. This proved to be a fatal mistake. When she turned him over to insert the thermometer meant to check the temperature changes involved in shapeshifting, that was when things went to hell. Oh, he didn’t resist it, quite the opposite, he was clearly HAPPY about it. Too happy. Though still in human form, his tail sprouted, and he began wagging it. Hard. Very hard. So much so, he knocked over a VERY precious combination of chemicals.... “No!” was all that Dr. June Covington had time to get out before the place EXPLODED. The next thing that Shinobi remembered, he was waking up in one of the caves that the pack used in their meeting place in the wolves, surrounded by the concerned faces of packmates. “He’s coming to!” said one of the healers. “He’s awake!” “He’s going to be alright!”

And then...they started cheering. Shinobi was very confused. More than usual, that is. In a daze, his packmates walked him to the clearing that was overlooked by the rocks on which the leaders perched. He was expecting a scolding, or worse, exile. Instead, what Emma said was, “Shinobi Shaw, you have proven yourself three times over and then some. You discovered, infiltrated, and destroyed one of our deadliest enemies. Dr. June Covington has kidnapped and vivisected thousands of our kind in her foul experiments, but you put an end to it---and for that, you have the gratitude of this pack, and all lycanthropes, all magical creatures, forever.” Shinobi stood there, stunned.

And he realized the best thing about this. It was a good excuse for a PARTY!

[sirtravisjacksonoftexas]

Was Jesus a mythical figure based on the Phrygian god Attis? Um, NO, and here is why (Expanded and updated)

Originally, Attis was the mortal son of King Croesus. Despite a prophecy warning of his death, Attis was accidentally killed in a boar hunt. In later times, he was seen as the son of Nana, a nymph or female spirit, and Agdistis, a hermaphrodite monster (though technically, Agdistis was the grandfather; Attis’ father was actually a tree (more on this later). He was the consort (in some accounts lover) of Cybele/Kybele, the Phygrian mother goddess. There are varying accounts as to how he died and what happened afterwards, but he nevertheless went on to be worshipped as a god in Phrygia (a land located in Asia Minor (Modern Turkey).

So, was Jesus Christ based on Attis?

Short Answer:

Do bears live on Mars?

Long answer:

(Before continuing, I want to warn the reader; some of the details of Attis’ myth are sexually graphic in nature. Its like something that both Salvador Dali, the surrealist artist, and Jerry Springer might come up with if they lived at the same time and worked together, possibly while snorting crack. Reader discretion is advised).

1. Born on December 25th?

Nope. No mainstream (i.e. non-Jesus Mythicist) book or ancient text makes such a claim. 

2. Born of a virgin?

There are some ancient sources that say that Attis was the son of Cybele (Identified by some ancient Greeks and Romans with the goddess Rhea, and by others as the Greek Goddess Demeter.) , and at least one where it is described as a “virgin” conception or birth (though this was not the mainstream myth). This may be derived from the fact that, in one version of the myth, Cybele is identified with Agdistis (“Agdistis” was at times an alternate name for the goddess Cybele). However, not only would Cybele be in the latter case Attis’ father or grandfather (more on this later, hope you’re not squeamish) but this conception would be more accurately rendered “sexless” rather than “virgin”.

Because, you see…Cybele was known to have had SEX!

You heard me, Ron.

King Midas, the mythical king who could turn anything he touched into gold, was said to be the son of King Gordius and Cybele. He was NEVER (repeat) NEVER described as being the product of sexless or virgin conception (To be fair, in another version of the myth, Midas was adopted by King Gordius, but even this one doesn’t state that he was virgin born). In another version of her myth, she was raped by Zeus. She was also said to have had several husbands (Iasion, Olympos, and as we will see, Cronus). She bore Iasion a son named Corybas/Korybas, and she bore Olympos and a daughter named Alce-Cybele/Ake-Kybele. Some believe that the latter story is probably one part of a larger Euhemerist interpretation of Cybele’s myth, ie. to see a more historical reality hidden within the myth. Thus gods could be based on real people, certain events in myth would have actually been more mundane in real life, etc. However, not only is this not known for sure, but in Diodorus’ Siculus’ (1 century BC Greek Historian) account of the myth, the gods are still listed as…gods, not mortals. Indeed, in some versions of her myth, she is the wife of Cronus, god of time and father of Zeus. The reason why she was thought to be such is because she was identified by some with Rhea, Cronus’ wife in Greek myth. Though the two goddesses had far different mythologies (thus one of the problems with identifying on god or goddess with another), their stories became so intertwined that Cybele was eventually seen as Cronus’ wife (Cronus was known to have sex).

Now there is one myth were Cybele is mistaken for a virgin. In this tale, she is the mortal daughter of King Meion and Queen Dindyme. She was left to die in the wilderness after she was born, but miraculously survived and later had SEX with Attis (who is not her son in this version of the myth). Her father discovers that she is alive, taking her in. He thinks that she is a virgin…till he finds out otherwise.

Thus, we can conclude…that she “got around”.

Not much of a virgin, eh?

Some Jesus Mythicists will protest, saying that, in the version of the myth where Cybele and Agdistis are the same being, that she would have sired Attis long before any of these flings occurred (she’s never pictured as sleeping with her lovers while a hermaphrodite). However, not only would Cybele be technically Attis father or grandfather instead of mother (you’ll see why later on), there is nothing in the myths that state that she didn’t have sex before she, um…”sired” Attis (Once again, more on this later). Jesus Mythicists will protest again, saying that both Julian the Apostate and Saint Augustine of Hippo both relate that Cybele was indeed a virgin. True, both Julian the Apostate and Saint Augustine (who called Cybele “Cœlestis”) do state that she was a virgin, but both men lived in the fourth century AD (Augustine dying in the 5th century), while the texts showing that Cybele was not a virgin predate them by centuries. Indeed, scholars believe that Julian derived Cybele’s virginity from that of the Virgin Mary. 

Thus, Paganism was borrowing from Christianity.

Thus, Jesus Mythicists have no case here.

So…what do we know about the birth of Attis?

In some accounts (including the oldest account from Herodotus), Attis is the son of a mortal man (hard for mortal men to be fathers without a combination of women and SEX!). In Herodotus’ account, where Attis is spelled “Atys”, his father is King Croesus, while his mother is never named. Later, when Herodotus mentions Cybele in connection to a battle that King Croesus fought, he never states that she was Attis’ mother. In one version of the myth that Pausanias, the ancient Greek Travelogue cites, Attis is the son of a mortal named Galaus the Phrygian, and was born a eunuch. In some accounts Attis is simply a foundling, a child left in the wilderness to die (though this detail also pops up in tales where he has a divine mother). 

In the mainstream myth (which postdates the version of the myth that Herodotus tells) , Zeus masturbates on Mt. Agdus, which to him looks like the goddess Rhea (his…mother. Cybele was identified with Rhea). His semen hits the land and produces an almond tree. One of its fruits fell on the lap of Nana, a nymph and the daughter of a river god. 

Thus, she becomes pregnant.

In another, a hermaphrodite monster named Agdistis (Likewise born of Zeus masturbating on Mt. Agdus) was made drunk by the gods (adding wine to the pool where the monster bathed in). They tied Agdistis' genitals to a tree after the monster went to sleep. When Agdistis awoke and moved, the monster was inevitably castrated. 

A pomegranate tree (some sources state an almond tree) arose from the severed genitals. Nana gathered its fruit in her lap, one of which disappeared (in one account she pushed the fruit into her womb, possibly hinting at her kinky nature), and she suddenly became pregnant. Sounds at first like a virgin birth...until you realize one important detail.

Nana is never called a virgin. 

Though some modern books state otherwise (Such as M.J. Vermaseren’s “the Legend of Attis in Greek and Roman Art”), we have no ancient sources that state that she was indeed a virgin. Indeed, Nymphs were usually the object of intense sexual desire (this is where the term “Nymphomaniac” comes from). They were generally amorous, and were often recorded as having sexual relations with mortal men. Their beauty was enough to drive men insane.

  There were some virgin nymphs (the Muses, Callisto (the latter of whom was a companion of the virgin goddess Artemis) but this virginity wasn’t totally safe (Zeus raped Callisto in the form of Artemis) and virgin nymphs were the exceptions, not the rule. Nana is not married already in the myth, but that doesn’t mean that she wasn’t having sex prior to this incident (most, if not all, sexual relations between nymphs and mortals did not involve a marriage).

Now there is a version of the myth where Nana is the mortal daughter of a king, who flees after her father intends to kill her for what he perceives to be evidence of fornication (i.e. her pregnancy). In some accounts where she is a nymph, her divine father likewise suspected that she had sex and thus sought to kill her. This is as close to a virgin birth as Attis gets, though we have to remember that just because Nana didn’t sexually conceive Attis doesn’t necessarily mean that she actually never had sex period, or that she didn’t have sex while pregnant (Yes, some people in the ancient world did have sex outside of marriage. Why do you think the Bible mentions and even condemns the practice? see Deuteronomy 22:28-29, 1 Corinthians 7:1-2, 8-9). Contrast that to the Biblical evidence for Mary’s virginity (Matthew 1:18-25, Luke 1:26-34, 2:1-7). True, Nana didn’t have a child before Attis, but then again, people have had sex without conceiving a child (even when protection isn’t used), and there are sexual acts that will never, ever result in a pregnancy. 

Thus, we can’t say that Nana was a virgin.

Jesus Mythicists may protest, saying that an ancient inscription from Pereus mentions a goddess named “Atremis-Nana”, thus proving that Nana was a virgin. After all, why would she be identified with Artemis, a virgin goddess, if she wasn’t a virgin herself?

Well, that depends on which “Nana” is being identified with Artemis.

You see, there were several goddesses named Nana.

The Babylonian goddess Nana (not to be confused with the god Nanna) was often identified with Artemis in Asia Minor (which is why some scholars have identified Artemis-Nana with her, not Nana the mother of Attis). This is intriguing, considering that the Asian version of Artemis wasn’t a virgin. Indeed, Ancient Armenia also had a mother goddess named Nana as well. Sometimes, ancient gods could share the same name. Indeed, the Sumerian god Nanna (aka Sin), shares the same name as a Norse goddess of vegetation!!!

To be fair, some scholars have tried to connect the dots between Nana, Artemis-Nana and the Phrygian Nymph Nana (and no doubt the Armenian mother goddess Nana), and ancient cultures may have identified one Nana with another. Perhaps the Armenian Nana is a different version of the Phrygian Nymph Nana.

However, remember the problem of identification; the gods might be identified, but their myths will be different. Artemis is one of the 12 major Olympian deities, while the Phrygian Nana is a nymph, a lesser divinity. Artemis is a twin (her bother is Apollo), while Nana is never said to have a twin. In all her myths, Artemis is always a deity, while Nana is a mortal in some myths. Artemis is the daughter of Zeus and the Titan Leto, while the Nymph Nana is the daughter of the River God Sangarius. Artemis is a major goddess that is immortal (i.e. indestructible as well as everlasting), while nymphs like Nana could be killed. Artemis is never a mother, while Nana is. One cannot say that Nana is a virgin because some in the ancient world identified her with Artemis, anymore than we can say that Artemis is a mother because she is identified with Nana (and as we seen, Nana the Nymph’s identification with Artemis-Nana is tentative). Indeed, Artemis and Nana are different goddesses in the Greek mythos. 

Thus, not as much of a connection as Jesus Mythicists would hope.

  I Haven't even brought up the differences between the Babylonian, Phrygian and Armenian Nanas (trying to keep this as short as possible).

We have no evidence that Nana was a virgin. There is no primary source that states that Nana was a virgin. Attis had a sexless conception to be sure (though the fact that Nana, in one of the versions of the myth, shoves a pomegranate into her womb, shows some odd sexual connotations), but not a virgin one. Indeed, there are other gods (and monsters) who had sexless conceptions, and many have little to no similarities to Christ at all (Ouranos, Mars, Agdistis, the Gigantes (Giants with serpents for legs), Meliae (Ash tree nymphs), the Erinyes/Furies, Aphrodite (in one version of her myth), etc.

So much for a virgin birth. 

3. Savior slain for mankind?

Nope.

4. Body represented by bread and wine in a Eucharist/Lord’s Supper? 

There was a communal meal where eating and drinking from cymbals was noted. Jesus Mythicists will say that the food “was most likely” (repeat: most likely) bread and wine. Um, someone should have told them that bread and wine were forbidden at Attis festivals.

The most likely item on the menu in this ritual was…milk.

5. A shepherd?

Yes, Attis was a literal shepherd.

Jesus was called “The Good Shepherd”...metaphorically. He was a literal carpenter and Rabbi (Mark 6:3, John 3:1-3).

6. Called “Divine Son” and “Father”?

Attis never had the former title. he was the son of a nymph named Nana and a monster/demon named Agdistis. In some versions Agdistis is identified with Cybele, thus making him the son of two goddesses (Nymphs like Nana were lesser female deities). However, in Herodotus’ account, he’s the mortal son of a King. In one account, Nana is a mortal (still impregnated by Agdistis’ tree). In another account, he was the son of a mortal named “Galaus the Phrygian”. No divine ancestry is noted in that version either. In another account, he started out life as simply a mortal foundling.

And as for “father”; He was indeed called “Papas” or Father.

Jesus, i.e. God the Son, was not.

In one version of the myth, Attis has sex with Cybele and they have a child. In this version, Cybele is a mortal (The daughter of King Meion of Phrygia), though she eventually becomes a goddess in the tale. Some of the ancients identified Attis with Iasion, one of Cybele’s hubbies, and they conceived Corybas. So he was, in at least one version of his myth, a literal father (not in others. Indeed in one account he was born a eunuch).  Compare this to Jesus, whom we have no evidence that he was even married, let alone a father.

So, given that Jesus was not called “Father”, and thus has no connection with Attis here, why do Jesus Mythicists continue to bring this idea up?

Because Jesus said in John 10:30 “I and the Father are one.”

I’ll give you a moment to recover from the intellectual equivalent of a fart.

Since Jesus was the Son of God, this makes him out to be both a “Divine Son” and “Father”, in the Jesus Mythicist view.

However, Jesus is not the Son of God in the same way that Attis and others with a divine parent were. Jesus isn’t a demigod, or a different god from God the Father; they are a trinity, three persons, one god. This is why Jesus told his disciples to “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,” (Matthew 28:19), instead of saying “baptizing them in the NAME of the Father and the NAME of the Son and the NAME of the Holy Spirit.” That’s why he didn’t say “Baptizing them in the NAMES of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.” Indeed, Jesus existed long before he was conceived in the womb (John 1:1-3, 8:58), something we cannot say of Attis. The term “Father” was reserved for God the Father, not Jesus. Though they are the same god, they are different persons within the trinity.

Attis is not part of a trinity. He is a single god, a single person, who just happens to be called “Papas”, and who happens to be a son of a goddess in some versions of his myth.

Thus, no connection between Jesus and Attis. 

7. Attis worshippers sacrificed a bull or sheep (the Taurobolium), where initiates were considered born again? Was it referred to as “washed in the blood of the lamb”?

There was a Taurobolium, and it did involve a bull sacrifice (sheep were a less expensive alternative). However, the earliest source that discusses this is in the 2nd century AD (postdating the New testament). Also, we have no record of people believing that this ritual saved souls until 400 AD.

8. Crucified?

No. In Herodotus’ version, he dies on a boar hunt, courtesy of friendly fire. In the mainstream version of the myth, Attis fell in love with a nymph and planned to marry her, despite his pledge to the goddess Cybele to remain chaste for her (Cybele actually loved him). She drove him mad, which led to him castrating himself under a pine tree (In some accounts Agdistis does this), and subsequently bled to death. In one account, after his madness faded and he realized that he had made himself a eunuch, he attempted suicide. However, before he could carry it out, Cybele turned him into a fir tree (no death in this version). In another, a boar kills him. In another he bled to death and was reborn (No resurrected, mind you. Reborn/reincarnated). 

Poor, poor Attis.

Oh and BTW: did any of those fates sound like a crucifixion?

Ehhhhh nope.

What about the Attis holiday held on March 22nd, where a pine tree was cut down and an effigy of Attis was tied to it? Well, this didn’t represent a crucifixion; it represent Attis death under a tree. The effigy was tied to it for practical reasons (Remember, together they represent Attis’ death under a tree. The scene wouldn’t look right if the effigy was left behind while the tree was carried away!). The Roman Emperor Claudius was said to have instituted this holiday (41-54 AD) , but this claim dates back to the 6th century AD. The only Attis festival attested by a 50 AD calendar is one that was held on the 27th.

So, given the facts of the case…why do Jesus Mythicists continue bring Attis and crucifixion up?

Because Jesus cross was metaphorically likened…to a tree (Acts 5:30).

Attis was said to have turned into a tree or died under one, Jesus’ cross was metaphorical likened to a tree, so there MUST be some kind of connection!

Excuse me while I ram my head into a wall.

8. Resurrected?

Nope. He was reborn (in some sources, he was reborn as a tree. In all sources (including the tree rebirth one), he became a god (seemingly reborn as a god). Reincarnation and apotheosis (becoming a god) are NOT the same things as a resurrection! Some modern mythology books make this striking mistake, despite the fact that Resurrection, apotheosis and reincarnation have totally different definitions (see your Webster’s dictionary). In one version of the Attis myth, he never died (he turned into a tree before he could commit suicide). In another, Agdistis asks Zeus to revive Attis. Zeus responds by keeping Attis’ body from decay, making one of his fingers constantly move and his hair to keep growing.

In other words, Zeus did a half-butt job.

Oh and by the way; the oldest texts that speak of Attis having any kind of resurrection postdate the time of Christ considerably.  Indeed, all such supposed similarities with Christ are found in texts that postdate the time of Christ by...several hundred years. 

Think about that as we continue.

9. Killed on a Black Friday?

Nope. There is no Black Friday mentioned in his mythos.

10. Killed on March 25th?

Oh, there was festival called the Hilaria that was celebrated on this date. It implied that Attis returned from the Underworld, but not an execution. Indeed, the earliest attestation of this holiday dates to the 3rd-4rth century AD.

11. His priests were made eunuchs for the Kingdom of Heaven?

No, they were castrated in homage to the castration of Attis. In early Christianity, all Christians were a royal priesthood (1 Peter 2:5,9). Early Christians were not Eunuchs. Jesus mentioned that there were men who lived like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven (Matt 19:12), but this is in reference to the Essenes, a Jewish sect whose members most often refused to marry.

Wow…see what happens when you dig into the Hebrew culture which Christianity derived from, instead of trying your best to find a pagan parallel?

Should Jewish culture always be ignored in favor of pagan culture when considering the background of Christianity, which was originally a…Jewish sect?

The Attis Myth has many different versions, and Jesus Mythicists will try to take elements out of several of them and combine them into a narrative that, in their eyes, fits that of Christ in the Gospels. They also ignore parts of these myths that are even more inconvenient for their case. The oldest version of the tale, as told by Herodotus, is ignored. The other account that likewise describe him as the mortal son of mortals (once again with no supernatural conception) is likewise ignored. The fact that Cybele wasn’t a virgin, that Agdistis (whether identified with Cybele or not) is never called as such in the ancient sources, that Nana is never called as such in the ancient sources, that Attis was never crucified, that his festivals didn’t indicate that he was crucified, that he was reborn instead of resurrected, that he never had a Lord’s Supper, that any supposed similarities to Christianity post-date the New testament, that Julian the Apostate mixed Christianity with paganism, etc are also ignored. What’s also ignored is that scholars who study Attis note that the Attis cult borrowed from Christianity, not vice versa.

Jesus was not based on Attis.

Jesus is real, not myth.

Sources:

Herodotus “The Histories”, 1.36-46, 80 Ovid “Metamorphoses”, 10.103 Ovid “Fasti” 4.179-246 Pausanias "Description of Greece", 7.17.9-13

https://www.theoi.com/Text/Pausanias7B.html 

Diodorus Siculus “Library of History”, 3.58-59, 5.49 Pseudo-Hyginus, “Fabulae”, 191, 274 Nonnus, “Dionysiaca”, 20.35, 25.310 Arnobius, “Against the Heathen”, 5.6

https://www.newadvent.org/fathers/06315.htm 

Julian the Apostate “Hymn to the Mother of the Gods”, 166b Saint Augustine, “City of God”, 2.26

https://www.newadvent.org/fathers/120102.htm 

"Titans and Olympians: Greek and Roman Myth" by Tony Allan, Sarah Maitland, and Dr Michael Trapp (consultant), 31, see also 27, 48, 62 “The Age of Fable” by Thomas Bulfinch, 117 “The Legend of Attis in Greek and Roman Art” by M.J. Vermaseren, 1-6 “Cybele and Attis: The Myth and the Cult” by M.J. Vermaseren, 91 “Cassell Dictionary of Classical Mythology” by Jenny March, 119, see also 32, 81 “The Mythology Book: Big Ideas Simply Explained” by Philip Wilkinson (Consultant), 116-17 “The Ultimate Encyclopedia of Mythology” by Arthur Cotterell and Rachel Storm, 261, 270,272-73, 313, see also 51, 63 “The Penguin Dictionary of Classical Mythology” by Pierre Grimal, 27-28, 69, 112, 393, see also 82-83, 297-98 “Encyclopedia of Gods” by Michael Jordan, 141, 176-77 

“A Study of Women in Attic Inscriptions” by Helen McClees, PhD, 25 

https://books.google.com/books?id=Q87sMk1a-MIC&pg=PA25&dq=Artemis-Nana&hl=en&newbks=1&newbks_redir=0&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiDp_rfzrrlAhVFLKwKHXDgCh8Q6AEwAXoECAQQAg#v=onepage&q=Artemis-Nana&f=false

“Soteriology And Mystic Aspects in the Cult of Cybele and Attis” by Giulia Sfameni Gasparro, 50 “Orion: The Myth of the Hunter and the Huntress” by Joseph Fontenrose, 216

https://books.google.com/books?id=tD4lJxC95mEC&pg=PA216&dq=Artemis-Nana&hl=en&newbks=1&newbks_redir=0&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwilte-r0rrlAhVPR60KHcZpDLUQ6AEwAnoECAIQAg#v=onepage&q=Artemis-Nana&f=false 

“Emperor and Author: The Writings of Julian the Apostate” by Nicholas Baker-Brian and Shaun Tougher (Editors), 223-24  

https://books.google.com/books?id=CPZODgAAQBAJ&pg=PA223&lpg=PA223&dq=cybele+motherless+virgin&source=bl&ots=IVIba3LcHH&sig=ACfU3U2lqywj_ShyU-sCAjk_6P1zPZETYg&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiVz7C-w7rlAhVDOq0KHWxFDN0Q6AEwA3oECAkQAQ#v=onepage&q=cybele%20motherless%20virgin&f=false 

“An Encyclopedia of Religions” by Maurice Arthur Canney, 125  

https://books.google.com/books?id=EycnAQAAIAAJ&pg=PA125&lpg=PA125&dq=Cybele+C%C5%93lestis&source=bl&ots=5w7bPC1Jya&sig=ACfU3U3izeKmY44UJBx3iLUdCZsmozbdvg&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiOhZPnxLrlAhUOGKwKHZe_Dh4Q6AEwC3oECAkQAQ#v=onepage&q=Cybele%20C%C5%93lestis&f=false 

https://www.ancient-origins.net/myths-legends-europe/pagan-attis-and-christian-jesus-spurious-connection-009634 

http://www.tektonics.org/copycat/attis.php 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7-9aVdOKy0&feature=emb_title 

https://books.google.com/books?id=H-qCAgAAQBAJ&pg=PT135&dq=Cybele+was+attis%27+mother&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjSy-Wmq6HlAhUCXa0KHRdYDuw4UBDoATAFegQIBRAC#v=onepage&q=Cybele%20was%20attis'%20mother&f=false 

“Shattering the Christ Myth” By James Patrick Holding, 299  

https://books.google.com/books?id=2XHysoHc2ksC&pg=PA299&dq=Galaus+the+Phrygian&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjT4sGo46HlAhVKQ6wKHciTAGoQuwUwAHoECAIQBQ#v=onepage&q=Galaus%20the%20Phrygian&f=false 

“Attis, Between Myth and History: King, Priest, and God” By Maria Grazia Lancellotti, 92  

https://books.google.com/books?id=oE8vW4BX9kwC&pg=PA92&dq=who+was+attis%27+mother?&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjpneqKhqLlAhUEc60KHSJWDtUQ6AEwA3oECAMQAg#v=onepage&q=who%20was%20attis'%20mother%3F&f=false 

https://withalliamgod.wordpress.com/2011/01/21/refuting-attis-myth-parallelism-to-christianity/ 

https://www.ancient.eu/Cybele/  

https://www.theoi.com/Phrygios/Kybele.html 

https://www.ancient.eu/nymph/ 

http://www.realmermaids.net/mermaid-legends/nymph/ 

https://womeninantiquity.wordpress.com/2017/04/02/the-nymphs/ 

“Encyclopedia of the Ancient Greek World” By David Sacks, Oswyn Murray, Lisa R. Brody, 226  

https://books.google.com/books?id=yyrao0dadqAC&pg=PA226&dq=Nymphs+myth+Nymphomaniac&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjZxqaq4KHlAhVPUK0KHfB4DMMQ6AEwAnoECAYQAg#v=onepage&q=Nymphs%20myth%20Nymphomaniac&f=false 

“Nymphomania: A History” By Carol Groneman, 185  

https://books.google.com/books?id=lnmJsQq5abkC&pg=PA185&dq=Nymphs+Nymphomaniac&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiatcrX3aHlAhUMna0KHYOUAhMQuwUwBnoECAUQBQ#v=onepage&q=Nymphs%20Nymphomaniac&f=false 

“Functional and Dysfunctional Sexual Behavior: A Synthesis of Neuroscience and Comparative Psychology” by Anders Agmo, 430

https://books.google.com/books?id=mmJjj6UvB9YC&pg=PA430&dq=Nymphs+hypersexual&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiW-9mg3aHlAhUEM6wKHZCIDjwQuwUwAnoECAUQBQ#v=onepage&q=Nymphs%20hypersexual&f=false 

https://www.theoi.com/Olympios/Artemis.html